I don't even know what to call this post. I've had it all jumbled up in my mind all day. Driving me crazy. I'm on the edge of tears all day. Yet, look at those beautiful little feet and the arm holding those little feet is attached to a wonderful little girl, who has 2 more wonderful little sisters and a wonderful big brother. Blessings. Blessings of a faith I will never let go of. A husband God has, in His mercy given to me. We have a big home, money for food and never go hungry or cold. SO many blessings.
SO why am I ready to cry all the time? Why am I a "screaming Mama"? Why am I not happy right now? Why am I crying right now?
I said it today. (outloud too, to the kids) I hate homeschooling. (at least right now I do) I hate that my little ones don't get the attention I'd love to give them. I hate that I can't get up and dressed and ready for school by 9am. (it's more like 10 am before we even eat breakfast) I hate settling fights all day. I hate constantly telling the school kids to "stop bugging" eachother. (during school) I hate not having time to do the things I'd like to do. I could clean during the day, I hate having a messy house, I could do laundry, (that is so piled up and behind right now, I used to do laundry at night, but now Sweetie Pie eats constantly from about now until 1am) I could plan Baptism meals and have the time to buy groceries and prepare things ahead of time. (I think I'm just going to do cold croissant sandwiches, heck, I have no time to look up recipes for taco meat or Baptism cake recipes, it's going to have to be simple, when will I shop for all this stuff?) Heck, I think we could even eat supper at a reasonable time if I didn't homeschool. I would maybe be a "happy Mama" if I didn't homeschool. I could go to garage sales and any store with only 2 kids in tow. I could go to the library without it being a major ordeal just to get everyone to come when it is time to leave the library. I wouldn't have to worry about what to make for lunch, heck, the big kids would have school lunch every day, think of the variety they'd get!! I would have time to think. I know their teacher would have much more patience than I have.
I don't want my kids remembering mom being crabby all the time. I want them to think being a mother is wonderful and the true gift that it is. (it really is a gift and a blessing)
Am I having "baby blues"? I feel so helpless and hopeless. I maybe need more sleep? I know our reasons for homeschooling are wonderful and my reasons for NOT homeschooling are completely selfish. Really, they are all reasons for ME. Me, me, me.
There are so many perfect, happy, homeschooling mamas out there. How do you do it? How do you not always feel like you are "trying to catch up" with life? You perfect homeschooling mamas, you know who you are! When I think of the alternative, any alternative, I don't want anything else. I only want this. SO why is it SO hard? Why do I hate so many things?
This is such a negative post, and I'll probably delete it, but I just had to get my jumbled up feelings out there and on paper (or computer in this case) to sort through them, to pray about them. To remember my blessings.
To weigh life right now.
****Figures! Why won't Blogger let me do paragraphs today?***