Monday, March 29, 2010

Right Where God Wants Me (I think)




Holy Week has begun.


"Then they crucified him." -Mark 15:24

Last week, in my "Little Black Book" (a daily reflection book) it talked about this verse in the bible. It talked about how nowadays, if this happened, there would be news coverage and we would see all the details. There would be reporters all over Golgotha, helicopters overhead, and those reporters would be interviewing all passers-by. We would hear everything and see everything. But the Gospels don't describe things in that detail. all they say is "Then they crucified him." Most people in those days had seen crucifixions and didn't need those details. "Then they crucified him." is all they needed.


That word gives me chills. Crucify. It's a chilling word. During the Passion narrative it always, I guess the best way to describe it is, it always hurts my ears to hear "Crucify him! Crucify him!".


I was recently asked "How is your lent going?" I grimaced and said "well, not the way I'd like it to be going..." She looked at me and looked at the sacrifice jar and the kiddos coloring path to Easter and I could tell she didn't get it.


For the kids, I think lent was great. We didn't do as many things as I'd have liked to have done, but we did do alot.


For me though, I wanted it to be more....fruitful. I wanted to have prayed more, to have gone to daily Mass, gone to Adoration, you know, the things that I should be striving to do anyway, always, not just during lent.


This is the yearning I always seem to have. The yearning to be holy and do holy things. I look back at last year's lent. I was pregnant with a broken leg. God laid it out for me. He humbled me. He gave me my lent. He helped me to appreciate so many things in my life. Things like cleaning my own home, preparing meals, walking to the park, giving my littles baths, driving, shopping, and LAUNDRY!!


This is where I am right now, in the midst of these menial seeming tasks. With 5 children growing and changing with each season. This is where God wants me right now.


Last night, I sat down to nurse Sweetie Pie and watch The Passion of the Christ. It was to the part where Jesus was almost breathing His last breath, the part where I have a big headache from crying so much. Here I am thinking "I'm starting my holy week great, I'm getting into the mode of sacrifice. Jesus is going to be on my mind. This is good."


Well, Ballerina Rosie (my 7 1/2 year old) comes down sits on the floor (I shut off the movie) and says "my back hurts." (I now know, she meant "tummy") I said, (thinking she just wants to be up with me and wants to watch the movie I won't let her watch), "Honey, sitting on the floor is not going to help it, go back to bed." She runs up the stairs. I start my movie again, within 30 seconds, I heard her jump out of her bed again, go to the stairs and then I heard a weird splash sound, followed by "I threw up!" I jumped up, ripping Sweetie from my breast, and trying to cover up, ran to the stairs, to find my daughter sitting on 2nd step from the top. I commanded "get in the bathroom!" I barely got that out, when she did it again.


OK, here's where sinful me appears in full glory. I got mad. I yelled. I was not compassionate. I would have been compassionate if she'd made it to the bathroom for the 2nd time, but 2 times in the exact spot? I just couldn't understand why my almost 8 year old couldn't make it to the bathroom, why common sense didn't tell her to do so. Now, I said she was at the 2nd step, right? There was lots of puke on the next 3 steps, (lots) and puke on every step all the way down to the bottom, puke on the wall and on every spindle, yes EVERY spindle.

She got to the bathroom for the 3rd time. She had puke on her clothes, in her hair and well, she needed a shower, so while she showered, I tried to start. Sweetie Pie is crying the whole time for this. I start to get madder and madder. I had asked my husband to get up to help. I meant with the baby, he should know that! OK, she only stops crying if I'm holding her, but I am splattered with puke. I have a mess to clean up. I commanded hubby to clean the floor at the bottom of the stairs and the wall. While I tried to get every other step. I'm starting to get madder, "Why did he buy the kids that candy at the circus we went to tonight? I never buy the kids candy? Why am I the only one that can stop the baby from crying? Why do I have to clean up all of this? I was watching a movie about Jesus! Why is this happening? Why don't I feel remorse for the way I am yelling and acting?"


Well, after cleanup & showers, Ballerina Rosie settled with a bucket and sleeping bag on our floor & baby nursing at breast, it was 1am. I still was not feeling any remorse. I still was asking "why?" I was asking "what do You want from me Lord for holy week?" and "Help me to not be angry with my husband, he was just staying away from my tantrum!" No answers. I knew I just had to go to sleep and take what came the next day. Today.


While feeding the baby again this morning, about 10am, I realized (OK, I'm a little slow), that God wants me right where I am. In the midst of it all. Lent and holy week are not what I want them to be, they are what God wants them to be. I am reminded now every time I use the stairs and have to smell the nasty smell (working on fixing that one), and look at my stained carpet, that God wants me right here. Right where I am. Striving always to do better, to keep that yearning alive because "our hearts are restless til they rest with God"


Today.
Today I am hugging my almost 8 year old girl just a little more. And I am anxiously awaiting for my husband to come home for a hug and an apology.


I wish you holiness this week, the holiest week of the year. May you find yourself right where God wants you to be. (hopefully without the puke)

10 comments:

  1. Sounds like the circus was fun! However, after circus time not so fun.

    Great post. I get the..."WHY" part.

    This is where I am suppose to be. In the mess of it all. Yup...we all have our messes. It is crazy with a baby. I got the crazies at my house too.

    No puke though...that would be tough. Hang in there ((HUGS)) for you.

    Please call me anytime and rant!!! I will listen.

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  2. Jamie, I know you are giving up reading blogs for Lent, but if you could read my post yesterday, you would be amazed that we had such similar situations. I didn't have a sick kid, but I struggled with my toddlers in Mass yesterday. And let's just say my Palm Sunday, beginning of Holy Week, wasn't how I had hoped. In my post, I wrote:

    "So, my Holy Week has not started off very prayerfully, with a poignant Mass experience. But I really have to fight to not let that ruin my Holy Week entirely. To let go of my expectations of how I want Holy Week to be. And surrender it all to Him. Walk with Him in my daily vocation. In the situation He has placed me in. Perhaps not having a perfectly prayerful and quiet and solemn Holy Week is the cross I must embrace. And when I do embrace my own cross, there is where I will meet Him. Along the way. Where He is waiting for me."

    There's more, but I think you can see how similar our expectations and realizations for Lent/Holy Week are!

    I pray that you have a very blessed and holy week, Jamie. May you encounter Jesus on His road to the cross, and may you encounter Him in the midst of your own little crosses this week.

    God bless you!

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  3. Relating.

    FIlled up with tears a bit too.

    God sends us messages, doesn't He?!

    Think you're wonderful!

    Blessed Easter week, pray for my conversion and I will pray for yours...as you relate, it is ongoing.

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  4. Oh I hear ya!

    Within minutes of emailing my hubby this morning and fretting about this Lent not doing 'enough' and feeling that I didn't sacrifice, etc. the way I should have, my son threw up unexpectedly. After emailing hubby back to give him the latest morning details, he replied back with 'I think you've got your sacrifice all planned out for you already'.
    Thankfully, it was a one time deal and after laying low all day there have been no more incidents.
    Trust me, when motherhood involves puke it's one of my least favorite aspects. Okay, the WORST part of motherhood for me!!
    I am going to try and rest in what God has planned this week and trust that He has me right where I need to be.

    Blessings on your Holy Week! Hope everyone stays healthy!

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  5. Stop looking for more sacrifice. Life certainly dishes out enough, doesn't it? We just have to take the ones we have instead of looking for that perfect penance.

    "You know well enough that Our Lord does not look so much at the greatness of our actions, nor even at their difficulty, but at the love at which we do them." -- St. Therese

    Now, no guilt. Just go forward.

    Not to divulge too much, but in Confession last night, Father told me that our children depend upon mother to teach them patience (how's that for a mini guilt trip?). Just try harder next time. ;-) Me, too.

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  6. So sorry to hear about Ballerina Rosie!!! Noelle is praying that she feels better and that no one else gets it!!
    The same thing happened to me with Luke!!!! A few nights ago he went to bed perfectly fine and then threw up all over his floor, door, wall, hallway, etc around 2 a.m. Then he came in tell us and threw up again!
    Let's just say that I was feeling the SAME way you were!! He is 10 1/2!!!!!! Why couldn't he have gone to the bathroom in the first place and then why come in and tell us when you're going to throw up again??? :)
    I explained that to him more than once in a whiny voice while I was cleaning up. Yup. I usually have patience with any of the kids when they are sick at night.
    I was grumbling and praying that the baby (shares his tiny bedroom) wouldn't wake up from my cleaning up the copeous puke in his room, etc. Hubby just laid in bed, which I was SO mad about!!! I finally broke down and whispered fiercly, "you could come and help, you know!!"
    I finally cooled down and almost cried when Luke said, "I'm sorry for throwing up, Mom..." This will be the last time I will act that way!

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  7. it's always so hard to be where HE wants us to be, isn't it?
    and we complain whether we are covered in puke or underneath a heavy wooden cross...
    blessings to you dear, sweet, jaimie.
    thanks for sharing your fall.
    and the fact that you got back up again!
    xo.

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  8. simply beautiful and heartfelt. thanks for the reminder.

    i too have been there. it sucks, but its an opportunity to serve and sacrifice.

    i dont handle puke and poop well at all.

    might i suggest a carpet shampooer? my bissel deep cleaner/vacuum works wonders. found it at sams after Stanley spilled a gallon of milk on the couch and floor. much use since then.

    i'm watching Passion tomorrow- in Blu Ray. sure to be an empty tissue box. my kids have been so naughty i'm debating letting them watch!

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  9. I think all moms have been where you were at that moment. Don't beat yourself up about it; it happens! God won't give us anything we can't handle, especially if we look to Him!

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  10. Do you have any ideas for crafts for First Communion?

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