Monday, October 25, 2010

Not Pregnant

Not to confuse anyone, this post has nothing to do with this post.
I may look pregnant, but I'm not.
These past 5 days have been a whirl wind of emotions for me.
We went from my period being a late, to thinking we were pregnant, to finding out we weren't
today.
We are and always will be open to life.
What that means is we use no artificial means to prevent life.
We have used Natural Family Planning within our marriage at certain times, both to achieve and to prevent pregnancies (between babies, for c-section recovery, and weight loss for healthy pregnancies)
This involves abstaining during certain fertile times, or not.
The thing with always being open, is there is always the possibility, the openness for a certain conversation every month.
So, we talk.
It opens the door to talking about God and His will for us.
It opens the door to how we feel, our hopes and desires.
All weekend, I had such mixed feelings, going on at the same time.
Always happy if there is another baby. We believe babies are always a good thing.
For me, it is mixed with:
I still have so much weight to loose.
I wanted to lose 10 more pounds at least.
Do they make maternity clothes big enough to fit me?
My baby is still a baby.
Then, I think of Mary.
I think of Mary's Yes.
"Mary said, "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word."
Luke 1:38
I accept God's will.
I always accept God's will.
He knows better than we do.
Then, I have feelings like:
Wow! We might be having another baby!
Hmmmm, I'm 41, we could actually have 2 more babies, realistically!
I wonder if it's a boy or a girl.
I think of the age differences.
I already know the pretty close to when the maybe baby would be born.
We have this secret between my husband and myself.
We have this certain twinkle in our eyes when they meet.
We fall in love with each other again.
We fall in love with our children again.
We realize even more how precious each child is and how precious that time is that they are still young and with us.
I go buy a test.
Hubby says to wait.
I can't wait.
I take it during the night.
I check it over and over again.
Hmmm.....can't be right, can it?
Why haven't I gotten my period?
Morning comes.
So does my period.
The thing about being open to life, for me, not only are we open to God's plan in our life,
but we are open to so much more love in our life.
We already love our future babies.
I'm not sad. I'm kind of numb, and gloomy like this picture I have above.
(it's been raining for 2 days and will continue for 3 more this week)
I'm optimistic and excited for God's will for our lives.
I'm in love with my husband.
I'm so blessed.
(and I have another month to lose some more weight!)

16 comments:

  1. SO, we are kind of living parallel lives right now, yet again...we really need to have that phone call! Beautiful post, Jamie, thank you for being so open...

    ReplyDelete
  2. I totally know how that goes! We like to put two years between the last delivery and becoming pregnant, if possible. We also use NFP to postpone and to achieve.

    I took a pregnancy test this morning and it was negative. I haven't seen any cycles yet and had begun having weird dreams, so I had to check. Like you said, it's a bag of mixed emotions. There's the relief of having a little more time to lose 30 Maria pounds, nurse her properly for awhile longer, and give my body a chance to heal between children. Then there's the other side: the disappointment of the news of no new life ... yet.

    Kids are great. I hope God gives me more! :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. That's two years b/t in order for my insides to heal from cesareans, just like you! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Have you been in my head again??

    Seriously, I've had one cycle since having Little J. IF it was a real one, then I'm a few weeks late. But, hubby thinks it might not have been a true return to fertility and hence I should wait on taking a test.

    So, I'm waiting. And thinking if enough time will have passed for a safe delivery (as Little J was a c/s.) And, wondering how many family members will want me signed up for mental health intervention as I'm soooo old (41.)

    Beautiful post..thanks for sharing!

    Maybe some day I'll tag you for a meme that you can do ;o) (Yes, we have way more than 5 devotions that are fabulous.....)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think this is a great post, and an inspiration to the rest of us who don't (yet) have large families.

    God bless you!

    ReplyDelete
  6. A very beautiful and inspiring post!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Great post, Jamie. I love reading your blog. You are so open and honest. I am the same way with my own blog and sometimes worry about what people will think.

    Due to health problems last year, I've been told by my doctors to not have another baby. A pregnancy could kill me. It's been a very difficult year, trying to convince them why I need to do NFP. One nurse said that she doesn't understand Catholics, why so many kids like dogs? Because I like this nurse and I know she likes me, I understood she wasn't trying to insult me and what she said was out of ignorance. Yet, what people say out of thoughtlessness inflicts suffering.

    Because I am mommy to four other children, I will respect my doctors opinions and avoid pregnancy. i want to be here to raise them. But there's always a part of me that says, "I wish..I wish..."

    Then I remind myself that the beauty of NFP is that God is in control, not me or the doctors. If He wants me to have another baby, I will be most honored!

    This time in your life to have babies is the most special time, I think. You can lose weight any time! L) Thank you for being so generous to God with your life.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Jamie Jo you are a beautiful person in so many ways and I count it an honor to be a friend. God bless you.
    Odie

    ReplyDelete
  9. Beautiful post, Jamie!

    I can feel for and relate to Becky's post about being told NOT to conceive ever again for my safety.

    We were told that same thing after our 3rd child died after birth (due to my newfound bloodclotting disorder and my subsequent hospitalization, etc).

    I just wanted to share that through many prayers and much discernment, we said "Jesus I Trust In You" and have had 2 beautiful girls since we were told "no". God is so good!

    I'm extremely high risk and I literally do risk my life each time, but we are so thankful for our 4 children here on earth.

    That said, I am joining in with the ones who have bought tests in the past few days...:)

    ReplyDelete
  10. We read so many of the same blogs! Like you, I always have such mixed emotions, using NFP and being open to life can be scary sometimes and so wonderful at other times :)

    As you know, God's timing is best!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Every time I see the word Pregnant on your blog I get giddy and I am ready to call and say, "Can I come over and wish you and your hubby a huge CONGRATS!"

    I love how you have a love for children.

    God has really touched your heart.

    Last night while saying prayers with Jonathan he said he wanted a baby brother.

    Children love babies. So sweet.

    It has been amazing around here with a baby. These older kids love her so much. Babies are BLESSINGS!!!!

    We have some friends that are just starting to have kids at 40 something. So glad Brian and I didnt wait so long.

    We are both so blessed to have a hubby who loves babies.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh, sweetie.
    You can still have kids at 56! HA! I read that somewhere (no intervention from modern medicine) and it makes me think AND TRUST: all in His good timing, right? And, the funnier the better!!!
    Well, I must say this (in case someone is reading that is considering intervention surgically for prevention). I made that MISTAKE. Don't do anything that gets in the way of being open to life (except NFP) - it's so permanent and . . . awful. It has taken me years to get it through my thick skull that I will never ever have another kid because I thought that was what I wanted (and I believed the doctors). For years, that decision has interfered with our sex life (to be blunt). It took me until about a year ago to look at my husband with love during those intimate moments - all I could ever think of was how futile the moments were . . . no baby would ever come of it! No wondering "maybe this time we'll have a baby" . . . it felt empty.
    I always tell women to not get a tubal . . . live out the mystery in fullness of Faith.
    God bless you, you beautiful lady.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I can relate in SO many ways, Jamie. Great post. Thanks for sharing your personal experience. God bless you and your husband for ramaining open to life.

    ReplyDelete
  14. First Jamie Thank You for a WONDERFUL Post. And God Bless you for being so open and sharing about this. I just started reading your blog. And I LOVE it! I have one boy (oldest) and 3 girls so your picture above reminds me of my gang. :) I shared your post with the Moms Group at my church. They are talking about NFP on Wed. night. I am like you and totally agree with you we choose to just kind of wing it and every month I know when I am fertile but we chance it sometimes. And so the thought about you being pregnant is the same as mine many times over. It is all TRUST in our God that he knows if we should have another life added to our family here on earth. And you get it! I just wish everyone did. Even my own blood relatives don't get it! It's so hard when others aren't supportive but I focus on my kids and my husband and of course trusting in God and then everything is fine.

    And Sarah O. thanks so much for sharing your story. I always wondered about people that get that done if it is any easier like people claim.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Been there, felt ALL that.

    We are sisters of the heart, Jamie! God is good and you can't conceive (or miscarry, for that matter) without His permitting it. That said, it's still so HARD when that little test shows up negative.

    Be of good cheer re. the weight loss stuff. If you need a diet buddy, I'm here.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Great post on NFP Jamie. And Sarah O's comment brought a tear to my eye. Just a beautiful testimony to NFP.

    I too was wondering what was going on with my cycle. Yesterday with 4 kids running circles around me at Target, I grabbed a preg test. Trying to hide it to not look insane top others. As I took it this morning, my period came at the same time. All I could think was what a waste of money. But every thought up to that point was, what the heck am I going to do if I am. I am not ready. How can you be open to life, when you really don't want to get pregnant, but are using NFP???? My mind is trying to figure it out, but my heart is in the right place.

    But are we really ever ready? Only God knows that.

    MOother Teresa: "God only gives us what we can handle. I just wish he wouldn't trust me so much."

    ReplyDelete

Thank you so much for stopping and commenting!

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...