I watched this video over at Monica's blog and thought it fit with the post in my head, beware,
you will cry lots of tears watching this one. Thankful I'm a mama and I have lots of stresses.
Lots of "stuff" as I call it.
We all have stuff.
You know, all the stuff you worry about within yourself,
in your own little world of you.
The "stuff" you think no one else feels or has to suffer?
The "stuff" we don't want?
Last Friday, I brought all my "stuff" to Jesus in our Adoration chapel,
with Simeon, after his doctor appointment.
I needed to see Jesus, I knew He would protect us from germs
(we've made it 4 months without hardly going anywhere with Simeon, except the doctor)
I need help with my "stuff"
Sometimes (and this is one of those times) in life we have hard things.
Hard things on us all
Thankful I have older kids that watch the little kids while I pump every 4 hours.
When I say that "every 4 hours" it doesn't sound like that much.
but it is.
It has forced my kids to help me alot.
It has forced my husband to help out alot more than he was already helping
Supper is almost always late, my goal is to eat at 6, but if I have to pump close to that time,
well, I have to do it, so quite often, we end up eating at 8pm.
Then there are no bedtime stories or wind down times,
it's jobs, jammies and bedtime.
In the morning it starts all over again.
Thankful these 2 fell asleep at 4:30 the other day at the same time...for about 5 minutes,
I was headed to the kitchen to finally get some lunch for myself and then
I realized it was time to pump again.
then my little fussbucket started fussing again.
I question God why He gave us a fussy baby.
Can you believe that?
I question the God who healed my baby of his kidney obstruction.
I question the God who gave me these beautiful gifts of life to cherish and love for always
Thankful for girls who peel my carrots, when I seem to have not a moment to spare to do so.
(I love carrots)
Thankful for brand new workout shoes and a Cellerciser to try my best to get on
do have a moment to spare.
Thankful for my good friend who told me about this
Thankful for a husband who lets me get it
(I promised to give up my coffee for a year to help pay for it)
Thankful I'm here for every fight and disagreement to help them work it through
even if that is constant and seems neverending,
and I question what I'm doing wrong.
Thankful that Spring will come if I'm ready or not
The world will keep going whether I have "stuff" or not
Kids will always love flowers and making bouquets
I'm not missing it,
it's still happening even if I've barely got a moment to spare.
and I'm Thankful.
Thankful I'm here for this 12 year old boy, who is still
who is growing up so fast
I wonder every time he hugs me,
wants to sit next to me in the big chair,
if it will be the last time.
And I wonder,
have I done enough?
Have I done too much?
Have I lifted him up or crushed his spirits?
Thankful I have a beautiful little girl preparing for her First Holy Communion
and I wonder if I've taught her enough with all the pumping and taking care of a fussy baby
and all it takes to take care of a family of 8
(here we are practicing hair styles for her big day)
Have I done what God wants of me?
I don't think I am, I think I could do better.
I question God again
"Why do you think I can do this?"
"I'm not doing it right!"
Thankful it's that time for feet and hand washing at the sink,
see? Spring and Summer will come anyway
whether I'm ready or not
Time keeps going.
Thankful I have big kids who can watch my sweet baby after he's been fed,
while I shower
and bathe the next 2 youngest
and finally come down to make breakfast...
(no, this is not breakfast)
Thankful for V-8 farts
I may not be able to have Fiber One, but I've got you V-8!
and I ask
"God, how much more are You going to ask of me?"
"I've given up my whole way of eating, and I'm not complaining,
I'm just tired and counting the months I have left of pumping and eating nothing but
yogurt, smoothies and popcorn"
Thankful that this sweet little 2 year old is such a mama's girl,
(who refuses to take off her new "horsey jammies" to get dressed in the morning)
when I sit down to feed Simeon after pumping and cooking and laundry,
and all I want to do is sit down and well...just sit there,
she gets so close to me, it's not close enough for her
and I just give in and love.
What's one Spring where I won't have time to water and take care of flowers?
I'm growing something much more important than a pretty mailbox.
(years past mailbox, not this years)
(years past mailbox, not this years)
And God answers me.
He says to me in Adoration,
"Trust and be Thankful for these crosses"
"They are gifts"
"Hard things are gifts from Me"
And somehow those crosses, that "stuff" doesn't seem so hard anymore.
Somehow it seems so worth it.
That "stuff" has a purpose.
Somehow, there's joy in there.
It's still hard, but there are no more questions.