Thankful Thursday

 Oh, look at this sweet little boy!!

Thankful he'll be 6 months on Friday!

(He's 12 lbs 3 oz now)

I have to admit, I'm not feeling thankful today,

which means, I need to try to find those things.

When life seems as you can take no more

When your faith is tested

Not my religion, but my faith

I have this on going picture in my head of the devil,

discussing me with God.

The devil is saying, "Oh, yeah, well, give her this!"

and God says, "Fine, she is my good and faithful servant"

(I can only hope He is saying that)

But anyway...

I look at my sweet baby, the baby who

I now take out after staying in (for fear of RSV) for 5 months,

and I protect him,

when people come up to see "the baby"

(strangers)

I stop them, before they say something stupid, because they will, they have that look,

 and I say,

"He has a cleft lip and palate, and had surgery a month ago."

But sometimes, I can't protect him or the other children

from things people say.

One new friend of my daughters

said in the van on the way to our house,

"Ewwww Gross!"

Upon explaining (educating) her on why he looks this way,

she says it again.

"Oh, gross, I mean, it's just gross"

My oldest son says,

"Mom....Mom", with tears in his eyes.

I stay strong for the kids, I explain to her

it's the way God made him and it's not gross.

I also explain that that hurts our feelings,

because we don't think it's gross, we love him, we think he's beautiful.

And then

I cry while I feed him that night.

He's also had these clogged tear ducts since he's been born,

all 6 months except the 2 weeks after his surgery.

I've been begging God to take it away

(I know about warm washcloths and pressing, etc...etc...)

I ask and pray every time I wipe his eyes

Many, many times a day.

I pray again when I try to clean the dried lashes with joboba oil

and I ask God "why?" 

"Doesn't he have enough?"

I'm like a spoiled child.

Because there is so much to be Thankful for

My faith is tested.

I wonder where and how is this glorifying God?

I trust.

I know somehow it is.

I know deep in my heart,

it is not all in vain.

I pump breast milk and feed a baby that needs to be fed special

and Oh, how I love this baby.

But

How must the rest of our family suffer while we endure this year

and all future surgeries he will need?

Jedi wants to have a Ninjago tournament with his friends

Rosie wants to have a sleepover with her friends

They ask daily

"what are we going to do today?"

I want to and do yell

"Nothing!!"

"I'm doing what I do every day!"

"Every day is the same!"

I am barely surviving here,

just getting through my day,

doing normal things

like laundry, potty training, cooking,

and cleaning.

Going from need to need.

Yesterday, I wanted so badly to kneel down

to beg God's mercy, alone,

but when I went upstairs to do so,

4 kids followed me, each needing something.

I laugh

I say "God doesn't really want me to pray."

He does

I know He does

but sometimes

my desperate prayers

are my vocation,

where I am in life right now.

My work, my struggles,

they are all prayers for our Heavenly Father.

They all glorify Him.

Even when I don't handle it very good.

Even when I figure it all out, right now, while I'm typing.

And so,

I will be Thankful

for my faith, my husband, my family

and

 Beautiful babies, with soft, kissable toesies--Oh, I could kiss and gobble up these toes all day.

(and I do)

 Thankful for butt sleepers, now isn't that adorable?

Thankful  for our new 6 year old, who poses in front of the Irises that always bloom on her birthday!

(June 1) 

 Thankful her "fish" birthday turned out great!

 Thankful Grandma and Grandpa gave her money and she had just enough to get this bike!!

 Thankful for ice cream cones and 2 year olds!

Thankful she is potty trained finally, but not poopie trained

 Thankful for cute little baby boy sun hats

 Thankful there is such a thing as a "sewing camp"

otherwise my daughters would never learn how to sew.

She just finished her camp today, and now has a new pair of shorts

and some bean bags and the excitement to keep sewing!

 Thankful that I am able to pump breastmilk for my baby,

that he is getting the best I can give him,

but

I am also Thankful I have 6 months down and only need to do it til his next surgery....

(next year sometime?)

 Thankful for beautiful blooming roses, and Thankful

for perennial flowers, because it's all I've got t his year!!

I just don't have the time to take care of any annuals!

 Thankful for teething babies!!

I took him to the doctor Monday, because he had a fever since Saturday night,

but he's just teething, Thankful for that!

(we call him "Little Red")

 Thankful I've always got kitchen helpers, as hard as it is for me to let go

and hand over some of the control and perfectionism I have,

I am Thankful for it!

 Thankful for my favorite First Holy Communion picture of Mary Hannah

Thankful for my husband, the father of my children,

Thankful for all the sacrifices he makes for us.

There will always be hard things in our lives to deal with, to struggle through,

but with God,

we have the grace

to be

Thankful.