On Marriage

 

I've been wanting to write about marriage for a long time now.

I've been praying about it.

I feel as if I won't be able to do it justice, 

it's such an important subject.

I also am humbling myself by writing about it,

as so many people will see the imperfect,

the private,

 but maybe they will also 

see themselves.

Which is why I post this.

We've had a very hard year and a half.

Now with Simeon's last surgery (for a while) completed,

we are playing "catch-up" on every aspect of our lives.

Let's look back on our year to two years:

High risk pregnancy

(6th C-section, over 40, type one diabetic)

up to 5 doctor appointments per week during the pregnancy

Special needs baby born

Special feeding

4 surgeries plus an extra hospital stay

Pumping breastmilk (big timesucker)

6 Kids and all that goes with that!

One child diagnosed with ADD and ODD and Anxiety issues

Counseling and numerous issues

 that go along with that diagnosis

Homeschooling with a special needs baby and a toddler

Tom suffers from depression, 

and this winter has been his worst year yet.

Tom has a really bad back, with constant pain,

preventing him from doing exercises

Tom has a bad knee, causing constant pain

He also has a really painful jaw thing--his jaw is out of joint

(seeking help for all of these--with little/no relief)

(Gosh I love my husband, he never complains)

I'm sure I've missed a few things

To say the least, we are happy to have this past year behind us!

This past year has, though, 

caused some stresses in our marriage.

It has also helped us to realize there were 

stresses already there, and ignored.

for a long time.

We're talking years.

All these stresses have, believe it or not, 

made our marriage stronger than ever.

My husband and I have been going to Christian marriage counseling

since January.

As I explain it, we need to learn how to communicate better.

Up to that point, I'd say looking back, 

I didn't really think anything was wrong.

My husband, on the other hand, was ready for the big D

I see now, how wrong I was.

How much better life is now.

We were co-existing.

Taking care of a family with 6 kids and all that goes with that.

We were not taking care of eachother, not our relationship.  

Our love, our friendship.  

He is my best friend, yet I was not acting like he was.
He is the love of my life.
I don't want to wake one day
when all the kids are grown and gone
and not be in love or feel love any more
for this man, the man I promised to
love and cherish.

I believe that our priorities should be in this order:

1. God
2. Marriage/husband
3.  Children

I had the kids and Tom mixed up.

I had a very hard time changing that, 

learning to put Tom before the kids.

It's still a constant struggle.

They are needy and demanding.

We need to pray and beg God for those Graces

 from our Sacrament of Marriage.

Oh, the blessings and Graces from this.  

They are immediate when asked for.

We are so blessed to have a Sacramental marriage.

To be able to see that Love in action.

We were lonely.

Isn't that something?

8 people living in this house and we, 

the grown ups, 

were lonely.

There's a difference in asking

"How was your day?"

or asking,

"How are  you doing today?" 

(and looking him in the eye,

 touching his back and waiting for an answer)

 We have learned some things these past few months.

We try to meet every day for at least a half hour, alone, 

with no kids, to just talk and kiss and touch, and just be together.

(now this doesn't happen every day, but we try, 

and when it doesn't happen, we can tell, we need it,

we miss it)

I have to say this is KEY.

I wish someone would have told us before we were married,

that if at all possible, to take a half hour each day, 

even when you start having kids and it seems impossible,

(they sleep sometime)

to take that time, to TALK.

My husband comes up with questions like

"What 3 places would you pick to go for vacation, one with the kids and 2 without?"

Or

"What is heaviest on  your mind right now?"

or

"What is the one thing you'd like to do this week?"

We have never run out of things to talk about.

One rule:  We can't talk only about the kids.

He's teaching me how to play Cribbage.  

We used to watch movies or a show after the kids went to bed,

but that's not the same thing as actually talking.

We've changed some things, 

He's staying a little later in the morning, 

so I can go to daily Mass 

(when there are no sick kids or icy roads)

so I can have some "me" time.  (Jesus and me time)

And

I am making lunch on Saturdays, 

I'm talking a real cooked meal, 

not a kid meal of corn dogs or chicken nuggets.

And

I'm making Brunch every Sunday 

after Mass

He's helping me write out the menus,

every 2 weeks, we look on the computer and pin away!

Love in action

( And food is the key to a man's heart sometimes)

We are trying, now that the kids are older,

to run errands together whenever we can

to touch each other more.

to go on a "date" outside the home

every other week.

(it's not much, about an hour and a half)

Every little bit helps.

Trying to spend as much time together as possible.

And I mean together, not just by each other.

It's a constant work in progress, 

but it's so worth it.

My husband is my best friend

I love him and can't wait til he's home every day.

And I tell him that.

My best advice?

Spend time together
and

Pray together

Every day.