Monday, October 10, 2011


Holy cow!  
This is how my emotions feel
This is the first time I've felt this way 
(well, since my divorce/annulment 17 years ago)
(oops, did that surprise any of you?--sorry)
Anyway....I have had 3 days over the past week and a half,
where I find my mind wandering and tears streaming down my face.
It's uncontrollable.
It's a sadness
Today is a good day.
Is it pregnancy hormones?
Is it because of the baby and the cleft lip/palate stuff?
I accept God's will
I love my baby with all my heart
I feel very blessed and know I am blessed
why the tears?
The other day, we drove somewhere and I saw a mama and her looked like 3 year old and baby in a stroller, walking to the park.  I said to the kiddos in the van "Next year, mama will be walking everywhere, and we will walk to the park with our new baby in a stroller"  
Happy thought, right?
Yes, it started like that 
then, my mind wandered to 
"How will I feed the baby at the park?
 Or anywhere for that matter, where I can't warm up a bottle?
Tears streaming down my face.
Silent tears.
Uncontrollable tears.

After grocery shopping for about 2 hours at the local Super Wal-Mart with 2 kiddos, one of them being a screaming, 2 year old (screaming to get out of the cart almost the whole time, drinking most of my water out of my water bottle, then proceeding to puke it up)
(I remembered why I don't bring the 2 year old when I grocery could I forget?)
Unloaded the groceries into the van,
happy to be done.
As I'm driving out of the parking lot,
tears start streaming down my face.
I was only thinking how tired I was and how good it was to sit in the van, 
how, I made it the whole time without going potty, either me or Mary Hannah, 
and how I was going to have everyone help unload, I was too tired to do so.

It's uncontrollable, I tell you, uncontrollable.
Totally not me
(because I'm always in control)


  1. I think I would blame it hormones. (Probably because I'm pregnant too!)

    I am also having a tough couple of days, lots of crying, over-reacting to things out of my control. (For instance, the broken van, having to take the time to find a new van, and now I'm finding myself sick and crabby, crabby, crabby!)

    Just when I finish praying my prayer that I will carry my cross like a good girl, I find myself lashing out at the nearest person.

    Not that I'm always in control of my emotions or cheerful, but it does seem to be a pattern at "that time of the month" and pregnancy, that my emotions feel like you described, a roller coaster.

  2. I have to say, it's not crabby at all. Which is sooo good. When I get my periods...I have a definate crabby time!! This is extreme sadness and then normal, then extreme sadness.

    I can see how Post partum depression could sneak up on anyone after any baby. Praying that doesn't happen!!

    I'll pray for you Becky!

  3. Oh, those pregnancy hormones make PMS seem tame. Are you in your last trimester? Relief is in sight, relief is in sight! What a precious little baby yo will have, too!

  4. Pregnancy really does do a number on your emotions!

    For what it's worth, the times we've given Annamarie a bottle of breastmilk that's been pumped that day we haven't warmed it up, it's room temp and she took it fine. If it's not cold there may be no issues, and we didn't store it cold since fresh milk can be used for up 6-8 hours with out being refrigerated

  5. Ooooh, I wish I could climb thru and give you a great big hug!

    I think some of it is pregnancy hormones...but some of it might be grief too. Yes, you know how blessed you are to be carrying a new life...yes, you know how blessed you are to be living in the United States with awesome healthcare...yes, you know you are surrounded by friends and loved ones both online and in "real" life...

    BUT, that doesn't change the fact that you are still processing all of this information and coming to terms with baby's medical needs.

    It's a lot to handle...on top of parenting 5 other kiddos (5 right?...I don't want to click out of this long response!) :)

    Anyway, saying lots and lots of prayers for you!

    And to bring a smile to your face...I use the Little Flower stuff all the time!!!

  6. Hormones, most definitely!

    And I'm praying for you too!

  7. I agree with Allison about the grieving part. It is completely natural to grieve for what you had pictured (nursing a baby). I felt like that with Therese. And I would imagine you might be anxious about surgery for the baby and all the extra care that may be required. It is a lot to process all at once. These ups and downs are our body's way of dealing with all the information without an overload.

    Also, Therese prefers her bottle right out of the fridge, chilled! Makes those middle of the night feedings lots easier!

    Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way.

  8. oops! I meant I agree with Valerie. Should be wearing my reading glasses!!

  9. Oh, my dear, sweet friend. I will be saying extra prayers for you today and offering up some of my own crosses for you this week.

    …I've been crying a lot lately, too. And I can't blame pregnancy or hormones, either. Bummer. It might be a form of consolation to me.

    God bless you, Jamie.

  10. Oh, you are all so wonderful...I was just really thinking on the blog, feeling all these ups and downs, I'm usually a pretty even keel person.

    Shelly- yes, the end is in sight--I don't know, PMS, baby hormones--horse apiece I think!! haha!

    Allison, thank you- I hope I can do that, I was thinking I guess, about keeping the milk cool on these hotter days and then warming it up. Nursing is so easy and hard at times too.

    Valerie--I soooo smiled about the Little Flowers thing!! And YES, I think you are right. I hate to admit that....because of that "in control" thing. Pride, I tell you, I have lots of pride.

    LuAnne-Thank you so much. I'll take them!!

    Jenny-I sure hope my baby likes cold milk!! I could probably do that by summer, huh? (baby 5-6 mos)--thank you so much, you are right too.

    Oh, Kelly, I'll pray for you too. My tears can be prayers for you and your tears and emotions. We are emotional beings, that's for sure. (we women) We can lift eachother up--thank you so much!

  11. Hugs.

    (And there are portable, battery operated bottle warmers.)

    Try my new mantra...."This too shall pass..."


  12. Hmmmmm. Allison, going to have to look those up!! Thanks so much, hugs back!

  13. That stuff is WAY over this "guy's" head. Hope it passes quickly for you.

  14. I was going to tell you that we have been giving Xander pumped breastmilk at room temp and he likes it fine. Also, we had bought a bottle warmer that plugs into the car for when we went on long car trips. And I love that I never knew you had an annullment 17 years ago - you learn something new everyday! I would love to hear about how you found your soul mate after going through something like that. Maybe you already have written about it?

  15. Odie, so sorry, I should have put a warning on this post for you!! (but thanks for the laugh!)

    Colleen-I have never written about the details of my divorce/annulment because, well...I've wanted to, but everytime I go there, it's just too much and I don't know, painful to relive. I probably have written Tom and I's love story though...that's a lot of posts to go through. Maybe for our anniversary in December I will write about that.

  16. OH Sweetheart friend of mine. I was crying today and I am not even pregnant!!!! This to shall pass and please do not be so hard on yourself. I know you are a perfectionist....I am not...and it must be hard to want to do everything.

    My two year old embarrasses me everyday. Worst is in church. Wanted to much to be in Mass THE WHOLE TIME when Bishop Kinney was at our church and all the kids were singing but AVA was a stinker. She yelled "NURSE" so loud. sheesh. I whisper to nurse no nurse...then she yells..NURSE. Then throws her head back and screams. Sometimes it seems like I have the naughtiest baby.

    This baby is so lucky to have you for a mama and that family who will love him/her. (I am guessing girl...can we guess yet?)

    Talking about our past...I was on the straight path to hell doing all sorts of ungodly things. I was so lost and thank the Lord everyday where I am now. I so could have had a story of marriage and divorce also because I dated some pretty bad losers. I dated bad because I was in such a bad spot in my heart and soul. makes any sense?

    We are so so blessed to have our husbands.

    Sending hugs and prayers. Lub to you.

  17. OOH I can help with this! Here's what you do. Go through the starbucks drive through and get a half venti cup of hot water. Bingo - warm bottle ;)

    Or if you're just going to the park, warm up the bottle at home before you go, stick it in the diaper bag, and feed the baby when you get there. Did you know breast milk is fine at room temp for 9 hours? Oh yes ;)

    Leo and I even flew to North Carolina when he was 8 weeks old. Totally doable. It's way different and more of a pain than breastfeeding, since you have to pack stuff, pump, bring bottles, etc. But it's just something to get used to.

    I cried for about the first month though. All the time. We didn't fine out til after he was born. So I understand.

  18. Hugs! Yes it's hormones.Don't's always find it harder to nurse at parks,what happens is that we are just use to one thing but think of this as a new learning experience & yes there are battery warmers and some that plug into cars. Here's an example of one that is similar to what I have:)
    See! :)It will all fall into place. You are blessed because God will not only give you the graces to get through everything but you have a huge core group of people *present and online * that are here to help you through all this :) God bless!

  19. Oh yeah I forgot to tell you. The other day I happened to catch a few minutes of Dr Phil when the kids were sleeping (I know.) Anyway therewas a lady on there who was born with a cleft lip and palate. She looked and sounded amazing! Speech is what I am most worried about so that made me feel relieved.

  20. I just found your blog today and can soooo relate to this post! In fact, I wrote my own post today about crying all the time too! Not fun. But I am attributing it to pregnancy hormones. I have no idea if that's right or not, but what else can we do?! I hope you feel better soon. I will keep you in prayer as I weep!

  21. Hang in there, Jamie! And be gentle with yourself. You are going through A LOT right now.

    And if you need any bottle-feeding tips, I'm your gal! It is a hard thing to surrender, believe me, and I know every situation is unique, but it will be OK.

    God bless you!

  22. Sarah--I might have to call you!! We DO not live that far away from eachother! Thank you so much!

    I do really think it is more to do with a sort of grieving thing, than hormones. Although, I think maybe the hormones maybe make it a little more--does that make sense?

    conservamom and Beth, I am TOTALLY going to check out those portable warmers!! I DO plan to do the luke warm (room temp) bottles whenever I can. I think I was thinking more about hot days, when I'd have to put the bottles in a cooler then, try to warm it the coffee place idea for hot water!!

    Beth, I AM totally going to call before this baby is born, I promise!!

    Second Chances--we'll weep and pray together for eachother!!

  23. Thanks so much Kissteen, I love you and am sending big (((((hugs)))))!!!

  24. Jamie~ definitely hormones. Plus, you are a busy lady with many demands placed on you as wife and mother. Tears are good. They help me feel better when I'm done. I'll keep you in my prayers!


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