On Marriage

 

I've been wanting to write about marriage for a long time now.

I've been praying about it.

I feel as if I won't be able to do it justice, 

it's such an important subject.

I also am humbling myself by writing about it,

as so many people will see the imperfect,

the private,

 but maybe they will also 

see themselves.

Which is why I post this.

We've had a very hard year and a half.

Now with Simeon's last surgery (for a while) completed,

we are playing "catch-up" on every aspect of our lives.

Let's look back on our year to two years:

High risk pregnancy

(6th C-section, over 40, type one diabetic)

up to 5 doctor appointments per week during the pregnancy

Special needs baby born

Special feeding

4 surgeries plus an extra hospital stay

Pumping breastmilk (big timesucker)

6 Kids and all that goes with that!

One child diagnosed with ADD and ODD and Anxiety issues

Counseling and numerous issues

 that go along with that diagnosis

Homeschooling with a special needs baby and a toddler

Tom suffers from depression, 

and this winter has been his worst year yet.

Tom has a really bad back, with constant pain,

preventing him from doing exercises

Tom has a bad knee, causing constant pain

He also has a really painful jaw thing--his jaw is out of joint

(seeking help for all of these--with little/no relief)

(Gosh I love my husband, he never complains)

I'm sure I've missed a few things

To say the least, we are happy to have this past year behind us!

This past year has, though, 

caused some stresses in our marriage.

It has also helped us to realize there were 

stresses already there, and ignored.

for a long time.

We're talking years.

All these stresses have, believe it or not, 

made our marriage stronger than ever.

My husband and I have been going to Christian marriage counseling

since January.

As I explain it, we need to learn how to communicate better.

Up to that point, I'd say looking back, 

I didn't really think anything was wrong.

My husband, on the other hand, was ready for the big D

I see now, how wrong I was.

How much better life is now.

We were co-existing.

Taking care of a family with 6 kids and all that goes with that.

We were not taking care of eachother, not our relationship.  

Our love, our friendship.  

He is my best friend, yet I was not acting like he was.
He is the love of my life.
I don't want to wake one day
when all the kids are grown and gone
and not be in love or feel love any more
for this man, the man I promised to
love and cherish.

I believe that our priorities should be in this order:

1. God
2. Marriage/husband
3.  Children

I had the kids and Tom mixed up.

I had a very hard time changing that, 

learning to put Tom before the kids.

It's still a constant struggle.

They are needy and demanding.

We need to pray and beg God for those Graces

 from our Sacrament of Marriage.

Oh, the blessings and Graces from this.  

They are immediate when asked for.

We are so blessed to have a Sacramental marriage.

To be able to see that Love in action.

We were lonely.

Isn't that something?

8 people living in this house and we, 

the grown ups, 

were lonely.

There's a difference in asking

"How was your day?"

or asking,

"How are  you doing today?" 

(and looking him in the eye,

 touching his back and waiting for an answer)

 We have learned some things these past few months.

We try to meet every day for at least a half hour, alone, 

with no kids, to just talk and kiss and touch, and just be together.

(now this doesn't happen every day, but we try, 

and when it doesn't happen, we can tell, we need it,

we miss it)

I have to say this is KEY.

I wish someone would have told us before we were married,

that if at all possible, to take a half hour each day, 

even when you start having kids and it seems impossible,

(they sleep sometime)

to take that time, to TALK.

My husband comes up with questions like

"What 3 places would you pick to go for vacation, one with the kids and 2 without?"

Or

"What is heaviest on  your mind right now?"

or

"What is the one thing you'd like to do this week?"

We have never run out of things to talk about.

One rule:  We can't talk only about the kids.

He's teaching me how to play Cribbage.  

We used to watch movies or a show after the kids went to bed,

but that's not the same thing as actually talking.

We've changed some things, 

He's staying a little later in the morning, 

so I can go to daily Mass 

(when there are no sick kids or icy roads)

so I can have some "me" time.  (Jesus and me time)

And

I am making lunch on Saturdays, 

I'm talking a real cooked meal, 

not a kid meal of corn dogs or chicken nuggets.

And

I'm making Brunch every Sunday 

after Mass

He's helping me write out the menus,

every 2 weeks, we look on the computer and pin away!

Love in action

( And food is the key to a man's heart sometimes)

We are trying, now that the kids are older,

to run errands together whenever we can

to touch each other more.

to go on a "date" outside the home

every other week.

(it's not much, about an hour and a half)

Every little bit helps.

Trying to spend as much time together as possible.

And I mean together, not just by each other.

It's a constant work in progress, 

but it's so worth it.

My husband is my best friend

I love him and can't wait til he's home every day.

And I tell him that.

My best advice?

Spend time together
and

Pray together

Every day.

House of Love

Well, our "House of Love" is surrounded by almost 13 inches of new snow!

(so far)

It's a peaceful snowfall, quiet and beautiful.

But, that's not what I'm writing this post about.

On Friday, my husband and I went to a "Cana Dinner" put on by our parish for married couples.

It's one of the many things they are doing for

"The Year of Marriage"

They had a wonderful dinner and 2 priests who talked.

At the end,

we, as couples stood and renewed our vows.
Father Greg Mastey, who is a wonderful speaker, gave such an interesting talk.

(I'm going to try my best to not butcher it)

He said, he often times, asks couples

"Tell me about your house."

They kind of look at him strange, and he goes on to explain.

They start telling him about how when they got married,

it was a small home, but when they had their first child,

they fixed this or that room,

they painted over the years,

as more children came,

they maybe added on a room or moved rooms around to fit their growing family.

Then, after the kids grew up,

they maybe remodeled or added on.

Marriage is not stagnant

As our house is not stagnant.

Our home is Creative, our marriage is creative.

(creation, not artistic creativity)
He went on to say,

that nowadays, couples start out with everything.

They buy these huge houses, with lots of rooms,

2 cars, a boat and their 1.2 children.

And they are stuck.

When couples have everything,

there is no room for love to grow and be creative.

(Read Colossians 3)

I think he said that St Josemaria Escriva said this:

(but I might be wrong as to the saint)

God will ask at the time of judgement:

1. Who am I to You?

2. Where is your spouse in relationship to me?

3. Where are your children in relationship to me?

He said to teach our children to grow deeper in love with Christ

and to stay in love!

Ephesians 6:10

Battle against Evil

"Finally, draw your strength from the Lord and from his mighty power."

He talked about our artillery.

What is your artillery?

What are we doing for battle?

He had us list things in our artillery bag, things like

praying together

having meals together

going to Mass together

Praying the rosary

Forgiveness

playing games together...

Etc...you get the picture.

Artillery bags, interesting, huh?

It really got me thinking.

I'm still thinking about it.

It's such a visual way of explaining it.

Anyway, it was a wonderful night and I wanted to share.

Blessing of the Womb/The Power of a Priest!

Before conceiving our first child, Jedi, we had tried for almost 3 years. One night in the confessional, our priest asked me if he could give me a blessing. He knew our struggles. We had just had a failed adoption of an 11 year old troubled girl and I was devastated. He told me he had read a book about a priest who had several couples coming to him that could not conceive, and this priest then started blessing their wombs. Every woman had gotten pregnant. I said "sure, I will take any blessing!"

I wish I could remember his exact words, but they were simple, he placed his hands on my head, and prayed something like this: "Please Lord, make Jamie's womb fruitful..." There was a little more but that was the main thing I remember. I left, not giving it another thought until 7 weeks later when I started feeling very, very sick (we were actually on vacation up north) and took a pregnancy test and could not believe it!! We counted back and it had been within a week and a half of receiving the womb blessing!! It was a miracle!

Now as with any miracle, there is always room for doubt. While laying in a hospital, flat on my back, (my water had broke at 32 weeks) and too much time to think, I started doubting the miracle...thinking it was just a coincidence...other people get pregnant without the blessing. Then, some friends of ours told me about their miracle story, they, too, had gone to a priest (the one who came after our priest) and they had struggled with not being able to conceive. Within a couple weeks, they were pregnant!

Ok, God, Yes, I believe in miracles!! I am truly sorry for doubting it.

I have since heard of 2 more stories where couples have gone to a priest to ask for a womb blessing and conceived within a couple weeks of the blessing.

Oh, the power of a priest, given to them by God. The blessing is there. If you struggle with infertility, go to your priest, ask for a womb blessing. I have told many people this story, but rarely do they listen. I think sometimes they are afraid to ask a priest. Maybe their life is not in order yet with God. Well, get it in order!!!

This blessing came to me right at the time I finally knelt down and prayed "Ok, God, I want to be a mother, BUT what do YOU want me to be?" "Help me to do what YOU want me to do".

I know that feeling of seeing children everywhere you go and not having your own, yet yearning to hold your own little one. Praying to St Gerard, wearing his medal. Constantly answering to people telling you to "relax!" If you have ever said this to someone trying to conceive a child, shame on you!! Do not say that, God has His reasons, and it is not because the person is not "relaxing"!

Tonight, I pray for all those people out there hoping and praying desperately for a child. God put that desperation there, He wants you to yearn for that child. Maybe He wants you to be there for someone else someday and understand what they are going through. Maybe it is in your vocation to be childless, maybe it is in your vocation to adopt. Ask God to help you to accept His will. Thank Him for this cross. Any cross will bring you virtue, if you let it.

Please Lord help these women and families desperately hoping for a child. Lead them, guide them, give them peace.

St Gerard, Pray for us.

Mother of all mothers, Pray for us.