Suffering

I'm not really the right person to write about suffering,

because I'm terrible at it.

I should be good at it by now, but I'm just not.

This above picture of Jesus really hit me this past week.

To follow Jesus, like we all want to,

literally means to pick up our own cross, like Jesus!

You know, to "follow Him"?

Like follow the leader and do all He does.

 

I know there is joy to be found in suffering.

I have  not found that joy yet.
I know that joy will come.
Maybe it comes when we die.
 

I'm a big baby.

I never want suffering, the suffering I'm being given.

(it is a gift you know)

Whether it's someone close to me suffering and I'm helpless to help,

or it is myself, my own inner and physical suffering,

I don't want it.

OH, I tell myself, that my suffering is meant for me and

that I couldn't handle anyone else's suffering.

But I still don't want it.

I try to bargain and beg God,

"Please God, let me coast a while with no suffering."

"I'll give up something, I'll sacrifice something, I promise"

"No, please God, not this!"

 



"Really?  God, I can NOT handle this! YOU think I can, but I can't!!"

 

I have tears just typing that.

I'm right back in the emergency room with little Simeon here.

A week ago Simeon ended up with an eye infection that

turned into dacrocystitis.

He had a pocket of fluid beside his eye. 

This is something that could, I guess happen to anyone at anytime.

Lucky us.

 

Let me back up here.

Wednesday that week, I took him in because his eye had swollen almost shut.

The doctor put him on some drops.

I gave him the drops for 1 day.

The next day, his eye did not get any better, it even seemed worse.

I took him in again, but it was Friday afternoon by this point,

so in our smaller-ish town, there was no way to get a CT Scan

except to go through the emergency room at the hospital.

so off we went.

They found he did indeed have dacrocystitis, only treatable with

IV antibiotics.

We in our smaller-ish size town

do not have any pediatric ophthalmologists

so they sent us via ambulance to the University of Minnesota Hospital,

because it was very likely he would need surgery.

 

This long ride has to go down as one of the very most hardest things

I've had to do.

Ride in the front of an ambulance, with a complete stranger,

trying to make small talk, while my baby is in the back,
and all I want to do is cry. And pray. 

(not enough seatbelts in the back in our ambulances in our smaller-ish size town) 

 

 

 

Here we are at 3 a.m. finally in a room for the "night".

I tell you, watching your child suffer in any way, never ever gets easier.

Never.

It's such a helpless feeling,

as the doctors and nurses are poking and prodding and hurting him,

he looks up at you and you cannot do anything.

 

It's a feeling of betrayal.

a feeling of abandonment.

I'm right there, telling him they are helping him and that he's such a good boy,

but he's looking at me like, "Why don't you make them stop?"



 (waiting for the MRI)

They put him out twice.

Once for the MRI

and an hour or two later for surgery.

Waiting in the waiting room while your baby is in surgery,

is another one of those very hard things.

I cry and pray.

And cry and pray.

I memorize the pictures.

Children are so resilient.

Here he is the night after surgery.

 

2nd night, still needed to keep a patch over his eye.

 

 His eyes are very very sensitive to the light now.

Mornings and evenings are the worst.

He has a lot of drainage still coming out too. 

We go for his 1 week check up Monday (tomorrow).

Hoping all is well and his sensitivity to light gets better.

This little boy is making me a saint.

 

We came home to 3 kids with the flu.

I have a bladder/kidney infection I can't seem to get rid of.

 

 

Suffering, if it does one thing,

it brings us closer to Jesus.

He gives us just a little more than we can handle,

so we have to turn to Him.

 

He will see us through.

He is a gentle and loving God.

 

I can't remember what saint said this,

"If you do not have any crosses in life,

you better get down on your knees and pray for some!"

 

Suffering has meaning.

It can be a gift.

An incredible gift.

If we just let God give it to us.

Strength, that is.

And maybe some wisdom to better help others.

Maybe it's just GRACE.

Grace to offer our sufferings for others.

Grace to better our souls.

Grace.

There is Grace in suffering.

 

 

Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen

“It is not so much what people suffer that makes the world mysterious; it is rather how much they miss when they suffer. They seem to forget that even as children they made obstacles in their games in order to have something to overcome. Why, then, when they grow into man’s estate, should there not be prizes won by effort and struggle? Can-not the spirit of man rise with adversity as the bird rises against the resistance of the wind? Do not the game fish swim upstream? Must not the chisel cut away the marble to bring out the form? Must not the seed falling to the ground die before it can spring forth into life? Must not grapes be crushed that there may be wine to drink, and wheat ground that there may be bread to eat? Why then cannot pain be made redemption? Why under the alchemy of Divine Love cannot crosses be turned into crucifixes? Why cannot chastisements be regarded as penances? Why cannot we use a cross to become God-like? We cannot become like Him in His Power; we cannot become like Him in His Knowledge. There is only one way we can become like Him, and that is in the way He bore His sorrows and His Cross. And that way was with love. It is love that makes pain bearable.” Archbishop Fulton Sheen (About Crosses)

Even in Minnesota...

 2 of my favorite things:

1. Babes in the sink

and

2. fresh cut flowers

I'm feeling a little down about, oh,

the weather,

It's FREEZING out

 (it's almost March and no melt-down in sight)

schooling,

 my weight, 

ADD/ODD stuff, 

marriage stuff,

 another surgery coming (next month), 

 in the slumps with our schedule,

 our meals, 

swim lessons to figure out,

I think I only have enough frozen milk to get Sims to the end of March,

(maybe into April a little)

Doctor appts,

(you name it, eye, dentist, therapists, plastic surgeons-x6 kids)

I miss my friend Sarah (she lives in Fargo)

The fears and worries I have constantly, like

do I show enough attention to each child?

Do they feel loved or lost?

 

 

Christine stopped blogging

And

I'm not feeling very "Thankful"

(but I am thankful)

I've got a painting job in the upstairs bathroom half done.

I don't like half done things.
I can't find one of our library books (anywhere)
(yes, I prayed over and over to St Anthony)
(we just paid like $12 in late charges on one of Jedi's books)
The library and I have a love/hate relationship

The kids--all of them--at the same time
have coughs--up all night coughs, since last Friday.
(They are getting better though)
(and thank goodness it was at the same time, otherwise, you know,
a cough could go on for weeks with 6 kiddos)

Anyone ever read

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day?

(And did you catch my title?--Get it?)

  (And, I can never remember how books/movies/plays, etc are supposed to be emphasized)

 

At least the toilet did not overflow with pee and poopie all over today (yet)

 OH--

AND

I'm failing LENT miserably 

 

What's a mama to do?

Forget it all

and play!

Play-dough and play restaurant on the agenda!  

 

Lent is More

I'm feeling a little like my mailbox here

Today is Ash Wednesday

I had big plans, big plans

(not really)

Well, they never got out of my head and onto a list

I'm out of scotch tape, 

(because of our Valentine's)

so I can't hang up our Stations of the Cross or

our Countdown of days til Easter

And that countdown of days?

Our printer is out of ink,

so it can't be printed anyway.

These little things can make me feel like my mailbox

It seems everyone in Blog world had plans

Big plans 

for Lent

Giving up things right and left

Writing meal plans for meatless Fridays

When trying to think inbetween kiddos

needing things constantly

(which is near impossible to get one complete thought out)

I decided that Lent is More

It's not less

It doesn't have to be "giving up"

It can be 

MORE

More prayer

More exercise

More sacrifices

More patience

More Love

MORE of anything that brings us closer to God

These little things done every day

can add up to be a very fruitful Lent

SO

I might not have all my meals planned for 6 weeks,

or great lists and links of things to do

or even any great spiritual reads

and

my lent might already seem like it's going to be a long 6 weeks

and things might not have gone the way I planned for today,

 

That's OK

God knows my heart

He meets me right where I am

Even if I'm feeling like my mailbox right now.

(for Lent Inspiration from past years go HERE)

 

Little Maestro

 "Alleluia!"

"Perfecto, now let's do it again!"

"What?  No more Alleluia's til Easter?

Well, OK, it's going to be a long 6 weeks..."

Lent--Shaking off the Bonds of Stuff!!

Lent this year, I wasn't really planning on giving anything up.

  I gave up Diet Coke recently--that's always a good one

 I am in one of those feel sorry for myself modes right now.

You know, I don't get enough sleep, I am constantly sacrificing for the baby 

and the kiddos,
 having no time to do any extras
 with the extra time, I'm pumping milk for Simeon.

You know, feeling sorry for myself, or maybe it's 

a pride thing,

 (tongue in cheek here) maybe I am feeling too great about myself and all I do

(ha ha! See bottom of this post for that comment!)

Seriously though, I am finding it hard to even get good meals on the table still.

We have plans to do all this stuff

Besides the thought of giving up things, I also think it is good to do extra things.

I suppose the extra things are things we should already be doing.

Praying a rosary (every day)

Praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet (every day)

Going to daily Mass as often as we can

(the more you go, the more you yearn for it)

Giving to the poor

Going to Adoration

Do the Stations of the Cross daily

Go to Stations at Church

Read the Bible (every day)

Our local Catholic newspaper had this pullout in it last week.

It's a calendar to follow and each day there is a question or something to do.

I really like this idea. 

One little thing at a time.

One day says "What can I do today to bring out the good in someone else?"

Another thing I found was at Gardenia's blog 

She posted this post and it got my attention!

"Shaking Off the Bonds of Stuff for Lent"

I like that

Mostly because of the catalog thing to do on day 4

"Day 4:  Throw out every old catalog.  They will send you new ones."

Hmmmm....I have quite a few...you know just because I might need them someday.

Do you think I need these?

Nope

I'm always trying to declutter

I think maybe deep down, I'm afraid of becoming a hoarder.

No actually, I think "stuff" makes me crazy.

It's disorganization

I like to be organized.

See?  God is teaching me to be humble, 

because with 6 kiddos and a man in the house, 

there is lots of  "stuff"

 "Day 12:  Dispose of all the recipes you cut out and haven't used."

I have a ton of recipes, not only cut out, but printed off!!

I've already started (I couldn't wait)

and I have about 6 or 7 cookbooks make that 11 or 12 (I just counted)
 to give to Goodwill 

and got rid of that pile up there in the right hand corner of the picture, 

and the 2 folders on the top left of the picture.

I have to keep some cookbooks

You know, the cake and dessert ones especially, 

so the kiddos can pick their birthday cakes and desserts 

It's always hard to know which ones to keep and which ones to get rid of.

I'm weird.

I like to clean

I like to organize

I like this plan for lent!

Go to Gardenia's if you are weird too want to try this too!

I think my baby needs me to be "Gluten Free"

I am experimenting with it this week.

I'm on day 2 today

Can't really say I reallly knew what gluten was til now.

It's in just about everything.

Simeon has been a pretty fussy baby, barely having any happy times

he's been happy for like 5 minutes at a time.

Since I've given up gluten...

He's been pretty content.

Finally got a picture of him smiling, even though, his head is turned!

he played and laughed and smiled for 1/2 hour 

then went downstairs and played and was happy for another 1/2 hour!

I think God is telling me that I'm not that great and I don't do that much.

My lent and beyond might be no gluten...

more on that later...

(this post is long enough)

Lent Link Up

Lacy, at Catholic Icing set up this "Lent Link Up" and I couldn't resist adding my 2 cents worth!

We always use a "sacrifice and good deed" jar in which we put in beans every time we do something extra nice, or helpful, or sacrifice something. Some things are worth many beans, like today, the 2 oldest kids got up and started their school right away and were almost done by the time I got dressed and ready for the day! 10 beans for that one! I am not stingy with the beans, as it does take quite a few beans to fill the jar and makes everyone positive and happy. It's amazing what the kiddos will do for a bean. Of course it is explained that it's not just for the bean, but for Jesus!

Then on Easter Sunday, the dry beans turn into bright colored jelly beans!

We do the Holy Heroes Lenten Adventure 3 times/week. This is a free service that is emailed to you. The kiddos watch a short video and we print out coloring sheets and puzzles and pray a daily decade with the other kiddos as well as the Angelus.

Lacy at Catholic Icing also had these wonderful sheets, where the kiddos color a square each day on the Lenten path to Easter. We put a purple (the color of penance, Lent and kings) cross on the door and each child put their sacrifices and what they'd like to do extra during Lent

We plan to do a washing of feet on Holy Thursday, stressing what Jesus did on that night, reading from the bible and the meaning of washing others' feet, service and sacrifice. Putting others needs first.

The kids always love doing this!

We pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet more often and start the novena on Good Friday.

Stations of the Cross are prayed along with this CD and we follow them up the stairs. It's a fun way for the littles to sit and watch along the way.

These beautiful images were ordered through CHC.

CRAFTS next!

These beautiful stand up crosses are made with cardstock paper (I used folders)

Cut half way up where the crayons are showing! Then slide into each slit.

Sticks tied together to make crosses, put into dirt (desert) and put into a purple can or jar, draped with a purple ribbon. Later, on Easter replaced with a white ribbon!

Marble Painting! "By his stripes we were healed" Isaiah 53:5

Red paint is very visual! Crosses and necklace crosses!

Dip marbles in paint, put paper on bottom of a box, put marbles in and roll around!

The purple crosses and shamrocks are marble painted.

Onto snacks! The kiddos love to make these pretzels, symbolizing crossed arm praying. (the old way people used to pray)

My recipe can be found here

Pretzel crosses. Big rods, or little sticks can be made into cross snacks, by adding peanut butter or cream cheese.

Resurrection Rolls

Crescent rolls

Cinnamon and sugar

Melted butter

Large marshmallows

Dip marshmallows into melted butter and then sugar mix and put inside triangle rolls, wrap them up and sprinkle with sugar mix on top.

Bake 9-11 minutes

Empty tombs when they are finished!

We have these on Easter morning!

I hope this post has given you some ideas for your Lent!

Something we always like to do is a mini retreat at home, using some of these ideas packed into Holy week.

Blessings on your path to Easter!

Lent

I always look so forward to Lent each year. Although it is a time of sacrifice, I yearn for it. I think my soul yearns for it. I imagine it is kind of like the Holy Souls yearning for Heaven.

(kind of) Yearning for holiness.

I will start my Lent out by watching The Passion of the Christ. Truly every time I watch it, I get something new. It puts me right into that mode of why we sacrifice. For Him who makes all things new.

I yearn for the cleansing. The quiet in my soul. Here is our sacrifice jar. (this is last years picture) we will fill it up and I'm not stingy, if they say it's a sacrifice or if they do something extra nice, they get to put a bean in. If it's a big thing, they get to put more beans in. Then on Easter Sunday it will be filled with bright jelly beans!

Every year I want to give up everything. Diet Coke, TV, computer time, and I want to do everything. Read the bible more, exercise every day, get up early and go to bed early, pray the rosary every day, no matter what. Pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy every day, go to Adoration more, go to daily Mass more, go to the Stations of the Cross.
I want to be perfect.
Realistically, though, I am not perfect. I cannot do it all.
I've decided to give up blog reading. It is the reading of blogs that takes time. Leaving comments almost everywhere I go. I have this thing with Google Reader, where every time I check, I can't stand leaving any "unread". Well...it takes time to read.
It's that time I want. I want it to pray more. I want that time to be more present to my children and to my duties in my vocation as a wife and mother.
I will still post once in a while, like craft ideas...I can't keep those to myself and need to share!
I will not be reading though and I will not be commenting.
I will be checking in on Sundays, as we do the Sunday thing where you can have what you give up, but it will be short and quick.
Have a blessed Lent everyone!
Remember to wash those feet with your children on Holy Thursday!
(this is last year's picture)

I am in no way saying other people should give up reading blogs....this is something I feel called to do at this time. I just wanted to let people know so you don't worry....I'm not breaking my leg again this year!!! (I hope)