Something is wrong

I had another Level 2 Ultrasound today to check the baby's progress and growth.

Our baby is about 4 lbs 8 oz right now,

(give or take a 1/2 pound) 

yes, I have 6 weeks left and

 yes, I have good sized babies!

Remember when I mentioned something about the kidneys?

and a few weeks later, 

the kidneys were supposedly not an issue anymore?

Well, they are an issue.

The baby's left kidney

(the doctor drew it backward, it's actually the baby's LEFT kidney, but the drawing helps to understand)

The left kidney is not working properly, it's not flushing out the urine down the ureter.

A normal kidney, the right kidney, is supposed to have those pyramid things in it and no blockage.

The left kidney is enlarged, and kind of jumbled up.

B is for Blatter.

The baby has Hydronephrosis and hydroureter 

(not that I can pronounce those)

Which means another surgery.

They don't know when, maybe at the same time as the cleft lip surgery around 3 months,

maybe sooner.

When the baby is born, they will need to take x-rays and do an ultrasound to figure out the extent of it.

The baby will need to be put on antibiotics immediately also.

(bye bye immune system, right?)

The doctor is telling me "This is not life threatening, your baby is thriving and vigorous, this is fixable"

As I'm walking out, I'm feeling so torn, 

my baby is healthy?

Well, I suppose in a medical way, it's all fixable.

But

In a mother's way, something is wrong with my baby.

I also have low fluid again.

This happened with Jedi,

 (my water broke early, so actually, I had no fluid, but your body keeps producing it daily)

Then, with Sweetie Pie,

 they took her 4 days earlier than the 38 week c-section, because of low fluid

Wish they could take some of the fluid out of my legs and feet and put in there.

We will have to meet with a Pediatric Urologist,

 not sure if it will be before or after the baby is born 

I have 3 appts tomorrow, so I'll hopefully know more tomorrow.

like, if I'll need to deliver in the Twin cities....

We live about 90 miles from there.

OH, I hope not, it would be so hard on the kiddos,

They wouldn't get to see me every day 

C-sections are 4 days in the hospital.

My poor 2 year old, she'll miss her mama

(and her mama will miss her!)

I asked what causes this.

She said they don't know, it just happens and is quite common.

I told God, after the 2nd round of Lice

That I can't take any more

That this is enough.

He knows me better.

He knows what I can take, even if I don't think I can, 

Even if I don't want to.

Because actually, I know I can take a lot 

That kind of scares me and yet it doesn't

I trust Him.

I know whatever happens, is God's will 

and I accept His will.

I need to run to Jesus in Adoration 

and cry

and pray

and give it all to Him

My husband knows this and is home early to let me do so.

How the 20 Week Ultrasound Went

Look at that perfect little baby!

"God created man in his image;

 in the divine image he created him;

male and female he created them."

-Genesis 1:7

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..."

-Jeremiah 1:5

Yesterday at the Perinatologist's office, we brought along Mary Hannah and Ballerina Rosie.

I told them that if they wanted to go, they'd have to get up early, my appointment was at 8am

They got up at 5am.

I'm serious, they wanted to go so badly and didn't want to miss seeing the baby.

After seeing the baby for a long time, the technician checked everything,

she asked that daddy bring the girls to the waiting room, so we could talk

with the Perinatologist.

Tom said he knew something was up at that point.

Of course, I didn't.

(I thought it was different, but didn't think much of it)

Then, the technician told me

she suspected cleft lip.

My first thought was 

"Our baby is going to be ugly."

I've come to realize after a day to think about it and process all my thoughts,

that I would never think one of my children ugly.

Tom's first thought was,

"This child is so blessed to be born into a big family who will love him/her unconditionally."

He's right.

My second thought was,

"I haven't prayed as much with this baby."

To which my husband said,

"I've prayed more, I added a decade to my rosary each day for the baby."

We listened to the doctor as my head filled up with questions.

He explained it is the most common of birth defects

 and that if he had to choose a birth defect for his child, 

this would be it.

We do not and will not know if it is a cleft palate until the baby is out, 

this is disappointing for me, the not knowing.

I guess it lets us know what to pray for.

With a cleft lip, the baby will need surgery around 12 weeks to repair the lip.

With a cleft palate, the baby would also need surgery around a year and possibly 

more surgeries to correct it.

I'm already there at the hospital, for the surgeries, crying about it, worrying about the baby, 

telling my husband I will not leave the baby's side, I will stay at the hospital the whole time.

I'm worrying about things I don't need to worry about yet.

I need to trust and only worry about today.

I will not be able to nurse this baby.

The baby will not be able to attach correctly.

I guess they make special nipples for bottles, 

so I will pump.

I don't even own a bottle.

I don't know how to do all that.

I love nursing my babies.

It is one of my favorite things about having babies.

I think I've been mourning this and been so sad about this.

The kids are excited and Tom is too, he's never fed one of our babies.

He tried with Jedi once, but he wouldn't take it, so out went the bottles.

I worry about bonding with the baby without nursing, with all these kiddos, 

Will I ever get to feed my baby?

Yes.

I will, all the nighttime feedings.  

Oh, how I love feeding my babies in the middle of the night.

I am always so in love with each of my babies, 

I am already in love with this one.

I will have to get up and warm up a bottle, instead of immediately 

nursing the baby, but I can do it.

So,

This, according to the Perinatologist, was not genetic (we do not have this on either side)

but just a random thing.

I asked him if my type 1 diabetes could have caused this, 

He said a very confident "NO"  

My diabetes is under very tight control

(A1C 5.9, which is as normal as a non diabetic, which puts the risks down to nothing)

He said that diabetes causes things like heart defects, much more serious things.

I felt happy to hear this.

I know it is nothing I did.

I know that God made this baby this way,

He made him/her perfect, 

from the beginning of time, God knew this baby and He chose us for his/her parents.

God knows we will love this baby no matter what.

He trusts we can do it.

The baby is healthy, this is only cosmetic.

The Perinatologist also found fluid around the babies kidneys.

Normal level is .4, our baby is at .6

The doctor said he is not concerned with it, but needed to mention it 

and needs to follow up in 3 weeks to check if it has increased, decreased or stayed the same.

We know what we need to pray for.

Fluid to be gone around his/her kidneys

No cleft palate.

I called my good friend Sarah, in Fargo yesterday and cried and cried to her.

She said to pray for a complete and total healing, a complete miracle.

I feel like if I do that, I'm not accepting what God has given us.

She said do it anyway, but let God know I accept whatever His answer is.

So, I'm praying for a miracle.

Although, I know the world would view my baby as not perfect, God knows he/she is, 

and that is all that truly matters.

I want to thank you, readers & blog friends, for the emails and calls, 

you are wonderful, thank you for your concern, and mostly thank you for your prayers.

Today is my birthday!!

I'm 42!

This will end our birthdays for the year!!

(this is exciting after 4 in 2 weeks)