"Blessed are those who mourn, they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4
As I sit in the chapel Adoring our Lord, crying, Jesus holds me, He reassures me of my blessings and the gifts He's given me. He reminds me there is a time for everything and that He is holding my friend also.
There is an appointed time for everything,
and a time for every affair under the heavens.
A time to give birth, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant.
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to tear down, and a time to build.
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them;
a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces.
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away.
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to be silent, and a time to speak.
A time to love, and a time to hate;
a time of war, and a time of peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
I sit here crying non-stop. I feel what we all feel, deep sorrow for a grieving mother. My heart aches for her, my stomach hurts. I cannot focus my thoughts. I ache for the children as they try to make sense of it all. I remember losing my baby brother at the age of 13 and begging God to take me instead, to make it right. I begged God for at least the next 7 years. I wondered why God took him instead of me for a long time. I pray her children do not feel like this. I ache for the father that protects and loves his family in all things, I pray for him. I pray for her relationship with her husband, that this brings them closer as they mourn together.
Like you, I am feeling relieved that it didn't happen to me. And I'm feeling guilty for feeling like that. That I'm so thankful for my own 5 year old boy. I am thankful for the blessings I still have in my children, I hug them a little tighter today, I watch them a little closer and quieter. I listen to them a little better and make sure they know I love them. I want to breathe them in and savor every moment.
I wonder if my child, my happiness, will remind her of what she's lost. It will. Everything will.
And my heart aches again. I wonder if she can sleep. I wonder if her love of fall will become only sadness and dread each year now. I wonder if she will ever feel "normal" again. I wonder if she can get up today. Can she live again? Can she go on? She has no choice. She has to. She knows He lives and so her son lives also. My mind wanders to her having to do laundry and folding his clothes, about her passing his clothes down to the next child. I think of how every day from this day forward she will be missing him until that day she meets him again in the Arms of our Heavenly Father.
When a mother loses her child, the unimaginable becomes a reality and we may not truly understand unless we've also lost a child, but are connected by our sorrow and by our faith in Heaven.
For now, all I can give her is my prayers, my tears, my silence for lack of any comforting words. And the aching sorrow deep in my heart.
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Sweet St Eddie, Pray for us!
Thank you Jamie. I just don't have the words to truly express how glad I am to have friends like you in my life that have lifted me up in prayer and consolation. Each day is getting a little better, but I every so often often feel guilty like I should be in a pool of tears constantly. However, the prayers for peace are overwhelming and I have actually been sleeping fairly well, generally calm, regained my appetite, got out of the house, and my eyes opened wider than ever. It's like a near death experience, where the whole world looks different. I mostly grieve when people worry and fight over petty things, which my kids still do. I am in utter amazement at the miracles, signs and conversions that are happening because of my little boy and the faith of our family. We miss holding him so much, and we cry at every reminder of the life he's not living with us. But there is an abundance of joy that he is most certainly where we wanted and raised him to be. Just sooner than we had in our plans. If anything, I wish I were with him - not him here. Until that day, I will continue to find where God is leading me and my family. What our new normal will be without him, and what our family mission will be to keep his memory alive. When I look at other people's children, especially those who came to his wake and funeral - it brought me happiness - because I could tell their parents to not take another second for granted. I pat their heads, hug and kiss them if I can, and praise God they are alive. I refuse to give into depression and anger. It is certain there will be much more grief and tears ahead, but only for my own disappointments. My Trust in Christ Jesus and the Will of God is my stronghold. Take comfort that Fortitude is a bigger gift than patience, and for the time being - the Holy Spirit has granted it to me and my family - BECAUSE of the thousands and thousands of prayers, rosaries, novenas, and Masses being said for us. Without faith, there is no path to peace.
ReplyDeleteDang it. Left a long heart felt comment and I wasn't logged in. Well, I am heartbroken for this family. I know our faith is a blessing and our strength but it is still ok to shed a zillion tears. My mom lost a brother to a motorcycle accident. I remember waking up to the wailing. When my mom and her siblings get together they have a special memory board for my Uncle Joe and that was 40 some years ago. Keep his memory alive for as long as you want. Especially important with All Saints and All Souls coming up. So important to pray and remember all our loved ones. As a mother, I have been thinking about Melissa everyday. I pray for her also.
ReplyDeletePraying. Praying. Praying.
ReplyDelete