Monday, March 1, 2010

A Weighty Issue

It's always on my mind. It is never not on my mind. It's crippling to a certain extent.


Weight.


My weight to be exact.
It holds me back and prevents me from doing the things I used to do. Not physically necessarily, but mentally.


(Now, don't get me wrong here, I have confidence in me, the inside me. I love myself. I'm not depressed. I love who I am. I just don't like the way I look. The outside does not match the inside. This blog is for me sometime, to get feelings out there and off my mind, this post is written light heartedly with a little seriousness along with it)


I'm often embarrassed to go places, especially without the kiddos. (I wouldn't want anyone to think I was just fat without having babies) I dread vacations and anyone taking a picture of me. We are going on vacation this summer with in laws and I really don't want to go. The only reason is my weight.


There it is again. holding me back. It's humbling to say the least. Especially for someone who has always gotten attention for my looks, and dare I admit, have always liked that.


With each pregnancy, (except one) I've accumulated almost 20 lbs that I've been unable to lose in-betweens. You can do the math, but I've got 75 lbs I'd like to lose. It's a little overwhelming to say that outloud.



Now, I know common sense says
eat less
exercise more
I can do the first part, really I do. It's the 2nd part that is challenging for me.


My husband was recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. So, since I've been a type 1 diabetic for 30 years now, I put him on the diet right away and within 3 weeks, he lost almost 30 lbs! (which I'm so happy for, he's feeling great and doing great) But putting him on the same diet that I do, only with more calories, more carbs than I, (since he's a man and needs more) It's frustrating that I've lost none.


He's measuring everything, so, I am too. I admit that I've kind of let that slide over the years. it's easy to eyeball things but also easy for those eyeballs to get bigger over the years. Maybe what looks like a cup of cheerios may actually be closer to 2 cups. I've gotten sloppy at counting my carbs, instead of counting before I eat, I'd been counting afterward. "Oops! I've just eaten 3 carbs in my chili and 3 carbs in my piece of cornbread, now I'm over on my carbs...oh, well..."


The last few weeks though, I've been counting right along with my husband (boy does it help having someone else watching it in the house). Having been a type 1 diabetic for 30 years, I've never snacked on chips or drank sugary sodas or drinks. I've never snacked in between meals and I don't snack late at night. So no major diet changes, except to watch it closer, tighter.



For me, it really boils down to exercise.
Which then boils down to time.
At least for me anyway.



I know 30 minutes a day doesn't seem like a lot, does it? It doesn't sound like much anyway.
People never mention that 30 minutes does not include changing and showering time, so we are actually talking about an hour, aren't we? Showers are a luxery around here with a baby and 4 busy kiddos!



A few weeks ago, I walked for 30 minutes in my cold basement (thinking I won't sweat this way, therefore no shower time right?) for 4 days. I lost 3 lbs that week. (I must clarify, that I did shower during that week, just not immediately after exercising)


But in order to do that week, I really worked hard at getting supper ready at a certain time and prayed Sweetie Pie would not need to eat at that particular window of time of preparing and exercising. The kiddos are trained to do the clean up jobs, clear the table, put dishes in the dishwasher, wash the dishes, sweep the floor....etc....but this mama likes it done a certain way and well, let's just say it was hard to come up to the table not wiped, the stove messy and the "hard pans" left for me to wash.


I know, wah, wah, right?



The other day I read that Rachel Ray spends 30 minutes per day running, then 45-60 minutes elliptical training before choosing from a circuit of machines.
2 hours?
Then needs to shower and get ready, right?
She's busy with 280 TV episodes a year, 15 recipes for her magazine and publishes an annual book.
Says Rachel, "It would be selfish of me to bring children into the world." She also says she's maternally happy with her dog Isaboo and her and her husband spend 1 weekend per month home with her.
I think this is typical for many stars.
Not for me though, If I had to choose on workout time and having my beautiful children, of course I'd pick my children, you gotta know that.
I know what a lot of people are thinking (I just know), you are thinking, "you deserve time to yourself" Can't your husband watch the kiddos?
Yes, he can.
Yes, he does.
It's not him,
It's me.
I don't like missing that busy after supper time of cleaning up with the kiddos (as crazy as it is), doing baths, reading books and saying prayers. I'm selfish like that, I love doing it. (even if I do yell and complain when they don't particularly listen during that time....)
A friend of mine recently told me about her grandmother. She said that her grandmother had 12 kids and was always on the "big side" while the kids were home. She always remembers her wearing her apron and working in the kitchen, caring for her family, baking and cooking and all that goes with that. She said what stands out the most is the dress and apron that her grandmother wore.
Once her kids were gone, she lost the weight....
and the apron.
I guess, I really think that is me. I know when the kids are grown and gone, I'll have time for my workouts every day.
So I'll struggle on. Trying to find that time and schedule that works for me. For our family.
In the meantime,
where's my apron?

20 comments:

  1. Jaime,

    I am having a difficult time with my weight too. My Mother has Diabetes 2. It runs in our family. I am probably in danger of developing it too if I don't hurry and do something fast. I am also not a big fan of exercising. Why? Because doing anything makes me wheeze (I have asthma) and I also don't like sweating much. That diet that you and your husband take part in sounds good. Is there any way you could PLEASE share that diet with me? Would you like to be long distance diet and exercise partners with me? I need encouragement and prayers too!

    Thank you so much!

    Thinking of you and praying for you!

    My email address is:
    prayrosary4life@aol.com

    Love,
    Maria

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  2. Oh Jamie, you always are so honest. A faithful woman telling it like it is.

    I wish I had answers, but I don't think you are looking for any here. You are a beautiful mama taking care of her children and husband. With or without the apron, do what you can and find the time as it works for you to fit in the exercise. Even if it isn't 30 mins. and it's not at the most ideal time for you, hopefully you'll be able to find a way.

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  3. Maria, no diet to email you, it's just the diabetic counting carbs diet...I've been doing it since I can remember!

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  4. Sarah, no you got it right, I'm not looking for answers, just bloggin away!! Blah, blah,blah, huh?

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  5. Hugs to you, Jamie! I hope you know that you're not alone. I'm sure you do know that intellectually, but it can FEEL very lonely in the midst of trying to lose weight. It has been hard for me to lose the weight from my twins pregnancy. I was doing well for awhile, but I burned out. Then the holidays came, and now I feel like I'm starting over. I was able to do it after my other pregnancies, but this time has been harder ... I'm older; I stretched out more; and I think it's simply hard to eat a certain way when you're cooking for a family, wanting to have special treats on those Feast Days, etc.

    Be patient with yourself, Jamie! I have to be patient, too; I tell myself that all.the.time. And I also have realized that I need to find a new, realistic weight for my stage in life, age, etc. Maybe that would help you, too? To set a goal that is more realistic, not try to get back to where you were before kids, but where you would be comfortable now. I know you're not looking for answers, but someone told me once to look at losing weight in 5-lb. increments instead of the total amount. It seems less overwhelming when I do this ...

    Exercise is super hard for me, too. First of all, I don't really like it. So, it's hard to find time to do something that I don't enjoy. But thinking about it as "increasing activity" somehow is OK. Housecleaning is great exercise! Shoveling, too. And once the weather is warm, taking your Sweetie Pie on walks will be fun! Family bike rides, too ...

    Awhile back I bought a 10-minute workout DVD at Target thinking that doing 10 minutes here and there would be more realistic. I'll let you know how it works, when I FINALLY get around to doing it ~ LOL! Perhaps for you instead of working out everyday after dinner, just do it 2-3 times per week, so you don't miss most evenings with your kids. Pray a Rosary during it, and then you're done, maybe even in time for that last bedtime book =)

    Just some thoughts. I'm certainly not trying to give you advice, just support! Hang in there! And always know you ARE beautiful, you are a daughter of God!

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  6. I got 30 I still need to lose. I've blogged about it a few times and I get going on the exercise and try real hard at first then it pitters out 'cos I'm lazy. It's not so much what I'm eating. But, I do eat too much for the amount/lack of exercise I do/don't do. :) Yeah, I love myself, too, and just like all these things you say in your post: it's me. I stumble over the exercise bit. It's hard for me to keep it going.

    Wishing you peace and all the best!!!

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  7. I hear you on this one. I can watch what I eat but it really doesn't seem to make much difference unless I exercise, too. With 7 kids, even finding that 1/2 hour a day is hard, and if I do find it, the last thing I usually want to do is exercise! Oh well, somehow it will all work out :)
    God Bless.

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  8. Hi there. I know. Long time no comment, but I still keep up with your blog. This fifth pregnancy has been slowing me down quite a bit. I just had to write you some encouragement though.

    After my third baby was born, I realized how much weight I had gained and it was a real struggle for me. Like you said, I was happy with who I was, but my weight weighed on me. :) I had kept adding more pounds after each baby and I was so tired of feeling like you described. When Andrew was about three months old I began Weight Watchers and it was a wonderful journey. I was counting and tracking and making great choices without feeling like I had to miss out on the things I loved. I did not eat separate meals from everyone else. It really worked. I lost 59 pounds - from 196 down to 137. My goal weight was 142, the high end of my healthy range. It was so nice to have my leader help me choose a realistic weight, not a tiny weight. During my fourth pregnancy I gained close to 50 pounds and then took it all off again. When we moved February last year I gained 8 pounds that I was never diligent about getting off, so I started this 5th pregnancy heavier than I wanted and I admit I could be doing better. But I know I will keep trying and then I WILL take it off again. Looking at my pictures from before makes me sad and proud. I want to take care of myself and be healthy. I never did exercise. I just don't like it and really would rather do a million other things IF I have the energy. But I think I may have to get a bit more serious about it this time.

    I know how you feel and what you are going through - so many of us do. I will be praying for you and your precious beautiful family. In time, it will happen. You are a beautiful lady and you inspire me in so many ways!

    Go back to my blog on March 21, 2006. People who did not know me then, cannot believe that I ever could have weighed what I did. But I did.

    P.S. We never liked having men at our meetings in WW because they always lost MUCH more MUCH MORE quickly! NO fair, but that was just the reality of it!

    Love,
    Celeste

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  9. Like you, I can not find time to exercise. If I have been good toward the end of summer and have a Walk Away the Pounds DVD going a few times a week, it stops as soon as the homeschool year kicks in. I'm going all day-right to the next thing. I'm thinking the same as you...in the next season of life it will happen. Thanks for sharing. I'm not alone!

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  10. Well, where has Sarah G. been in encouraging you to join our 'walk the 5K' in the Fargo Marathon?? She talked me into it... yikes! I know the gals in Fargo are planning to walk together to get in shape; I think I might just have to show up as I am and hope I can move the next day!

    On a more serious note, the Wii Fit is good for me. If the kids already have it on, it's only 16min and I like it. But, I am not consistent because motherhood is not something you can schedule, right??

    It's good to get the thoughts out of your head and onto the screen. We all have our struggles.

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  11. Thanks, you saved me from blogging about it! Ditto on all you said.

    Before I got pregnant the last time, remember I joined the gym with a personal trainer and busted my butt for a couple hours every other day or more. To lose nothing after 3 months plus. That sucked. Then when I got pregnant I lost 20-30 lbs. What the heck!

    So now that 10 pounds have come back on, I'm freaking out again. And since I mostly eat that diabetic diet, I know it's the exercise that's going to do it. But after last time, I just think why bother. It just doesn't work for me.

    So I'd like to figure this out together if you would??? What the heck are we going to do so we can look like we feel, and think about something other than our weight for once!

    PS - Wanna go on a swimming outing with the kids??

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  12. Sweet Jamie,
    I know your struggle. I have seen you beat it and have seen you let it beat you. It can be so frustrating, I know!
    You are doing the right thing by eating right (carefully) and trying to get the exercise in when you can. I'm SO proud of Tom. It really is good for him and for you to have someone to do this with.
    For me, it seems that as soon as it gets nice enough for the ice to melt off the sidewalks and the sun is shining more, I find myself more motivated to take that time to exercise (a 30 min rosary walk)
    Suzie was right. A bunch of us have beefed enough about our weight gain from many babies and lack of exercise. So much so, that we have committed to get exercising and take part in the Fun Run/Walk part of the Fargo Marathon at the end of May. We have 3 mos to "move and groove" to feel better and hopefully lose some weight. We'd love to have you come and join us! You could stay for Noelle's First Holy Comm the next day!!

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  13. I love that grandma in the apron at the sink. Everyone should be so lucky to be loved by a grandma like that.

    I agree with Sarah...once the snow goes away here in MN I bet you will be out walking. Wonder how your foot is doing? All healed up?

    TIME. It really is hard to find time to exercise. I totally agree with you on that one. I hardly have time to pee!

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  14. jaimie, this is a post dear to my chubby heart. i struggle with the pounds. i struggle with loving food and snuggling vs. getting exercise.
    but father corapi sent out a really interesting video about health in his monthly newsletter wherein he talked about our God given mission in life and how if we aren't healty we cannot fulfill that mission. as i type this, my big butt is sitting in a chair, obviously i am typing this note to you, and the trampoline and weights are at my back. and i don't have the cold snowy weather as an excuse.
    but somehow there are always excuses, right? :)
    there isn't time. there isn't engergy. those truffles are too tempting....etc. etc.
    my husband and i have been trying this diet thing. i lost 6 lbs. the first week but have been kind of stuck since then. i hate cooking differently for every one. that is just too much work. but my point to all this is-and fr. corapi said it-eat less and get excercise any way you can. nothing is a substitute for it. BECAUSE-if we knowingly and willingly don't take care of our bodies-it is a SIN.

    now i know you already know all this. so do i. so why is it so hard? because we are human. it's lent. we aren't selfish like rachel ray.

    and i happen to have mixed feelings about people like that. maybe it is better that they don't have children. there are enough kids in this world who don't get the love and attention they need from celebrity parents. but i wish they just wouldn't be so darned proud of their workout habits. pets. and childless lives.

    makes us feel like there is something wrong about lookin' like that granny in the apron.

    i think, and this is just my 2 cents worth, that if you could pray to the Holy Spirit to help you. as i often do. you will get the help you need. even if just to make tiny good choices on a daily basis. once you have more than 25 lbs or so to lose it is not so easy as 1-2-3. TRUST ME. i know.

    and i don't even think it needs to be about *YOU* in a "selfish" way. your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. and because of that it needs to be cared for. besides look at how much your children NEED you!

    you are so honest and faithful, i really wish you the best of luck in this endeavor.
    xo.

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  15. I love the picture..see I would love to be one of those
    grandmothers. Sad to say I look like her now. It is hard to find time and energy for exercising between the care of kids, school, homemaking and nursing a baby all day long!!! If it is ok I think of using this picture as my profile on facebook:) God Bless you and your family!!!

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  16. The sad thing about Rachel Ray and her selfish syndrome is that it's not just the stars anymore- I see so many young people getting married (in the late twenties, early thirties) and so into themselves, and their careers that there is no way they would want any kid to come between them and well...themselves. It kills me that people like that spend their lives exercises and then wonder why the rest of us can't lose weight like them! Hang in with your weight loss! It sounds like you are doing so much already. God will provide!

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  17. Hi jamie,
    I have three kids, & at 44 I had twins.
    Now at that age nothing snaps back like it used to!
    I was pretty and vain and insecure when I was young too.
    It took me a while to get used to looking permanently 5 months pregnant - and I know the exercise would help a bit - but you know,because your blog is about becomming a saint (like I'd like to be too!)
    I share with you the solution I have found for dealing with middle age fat - thank God for it - its His way of curing us of vanity.
    Plus all that bulge reminds me that God gave me children when experts told me I couldn't have them. Look at it as a gift!

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  18. Have you been sneaking a peek at me and my life???? I could have written this post! You have made my day, Jaime! I don't feel so alone or isolated. Thanks so much for posting this!

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  19. I didn't comment the other day when I first read this, but I want you to know I'm praying for you.

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  20. I miss so much by giving up blogging for Lent, but I guess that's the point, right? You could have written this post about me. So frustrated with the state of things. I have started doing EA Active on my Wii. I actually love it, but finding time is another story!

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