My weight to be exact.
It holds me back and prevents me from doing the things I used to do. Not physically necessarily, but mentally.
(Now, don't get me wrong here, I have confidence in me, the inside me. I love myself. I'm not depressed. I love who I am. I just don't like the way I look. The outside does not match the inside. This blog is for me sometime, to get feelings out there and off my mind, this post is written light heartedly with a little seriousness along with it)
I'm often embarrassed to go places, especially without the kiddos. (I wouldn't want anyone to think I was just fat without having babies) I dread vacations and anyone taking a picture of me. We are going on vacation this summer with in laws and I really don't want to go. The only reason is my weight.
There it is again. holding me back. It's humbling to say the least. Especially for someone who has always gotten attention for my looks, and dare I admit, have always liked that.
With each pregnancy, (except one) I've accumulated almost 20 lbs that I've been unable to lose in-betweens. You can do the math, but I've got 75 lbs I'd like to lose. It's a little overwhelming to say that outloud.
Now, I know common sense says
I can do the first part, really I do. It's the 2nd part that is challenging for me.
My husband was recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. So, since I've been a type 1 diabetic for 30 years now, I put him on the diet right away and within 3 weeks, he lost almost 30 lbs! (which I'm so happy for, he's feeling great and doing great) But putting him on the same diet that I do, only with more calories, more carbs than I, (since he's a man and needs more) It's frustrating that I've lost none.
He's measuring everything, so, I am too. I admit that I've kind of let that slide over the years. it's easy to eyeball things but also easy for those eyeballs to get bigger over the years. Maybe what looks like a cup of cheerios may actually be closer to 2 cups. I've gotten sloppy at counting my carbs, instead of counting before I eat, I'd been counting afterward. "Oops! I've just eaten 3 carbs in my chili and 3 carbs in my piece of cornbread, now I'm over on my carbs...oh, well..."
The last few weeks though, I've been counting right along with my husband (boy does it help having someone else watching it in the house). Having been a type 1 diabetic for 30 years, I've never snacked on chips or drank sugary sodas or drinks. I've never snacked in between meals and I don't snack late at night. So no major diet changes, except to watch it closer, tighter.
For me, it really boils down to exercise.
Which then boils down to time.
At least for me anyway.
I know 30 minutes a day doesn't seem like a lot, does it? It doesn't sound like much anyway.
People never mention that 30 minutes does not include changing and showering time, so we are actually talking about an hour, aren't we? Showers are a luxery around here with a baby and 4 busy kiddos!
A few weeks ago, I walked for 30 minutes in my cold basement (thinking I won't sweat this way, therefore no shower time right?) for 4 days. I lost 3 lbs that week. (I must clarify, that I did shower during that week, just not immediately after exercising)
But in order to do that week, I really worked hard at getting supper ready at a certain time and prayed Sweetie Pie would not need to eat at that particular window of time of preparing and exercising. The kiddos are trained to do the clean up jobs, clear the table, put dishes in the dishwasher, wash the dishes, sweep the floor....etc....but this mama likes it done a certain way and well, let's just say it was hard to come up to the table not wiped, the stove messy and the "hard pans" left for me to wash.
I know, wah, wah, right?
The other day I read that Rachel Ray spends 30 minutes per day running, then 45-60 minutes elliptical training before choosing from a circuit of machines.
Then needs to shower and get ready, right?
She's busy with 280 TV episodes a year, 15 recipes for her magazine and publishes an annual book.
Says Rachel, "It would be selfish of me to bring children into the world." She also says she's maternally happy with her dog Isaboo and her and her husband spend 1 weekend per month home with her.
I think this is typical for many stars.
Not for me though, If I had to choose on workout time and having my beautiful children, of course I'd pick my children, you gotta know that.
I know what a lot of people are thinking (I just know), you are thinking, "you deserve time to yourself" Can't your husband watch the kiddos?
Yes, he can.
Yes, he does.
It's not him,
I don't like missing that busy after supper time of cleaning up with the kiddos (as crazy as it is), doing baths, reading books and saying prayers. I'm selfish like that, I love doing it. (even if I do yell and complain when they don't particularly listen during that time....)
A friend of mine recently told me about her grandmother. She said that her grandmother had 12 kids and was always on the "big side" while the kids were home. She always remembers her wearing her apron and working in the kitchen, caring for her family, baking and cooking and all that goes with that. She said what stands out the most is the dress and apron that her grandmother wore.
Once her kids were gone, she lost the weight....
and the apron.
I guess, I really think that is me. I know when the kids are grown and gone, I'll have time for my workouts every day.
So I'll struggle on. Trying to find that time and schedule that works for me. For our family.
In the meantime,
where's my apron?