The last month of pregnancy is such an emotional time. (well, the whole 9 months is, but the last is the worst of it all) At a month away, I feel as if I cannot wait that long. Then as it gets closer, as it is today, 2 weeks away, there is anxiety about the anxiety. Worry about the worry. Last night I barely felt baby Bridget kick, I did feel her twice. Twice, is rare. She literally usually kicks all night long. Now, remember, these are not so much kicks as full tummy moving waves. Then this morning, when I drank my water and said my Consecration prayers, no kicking. When I checked blogs and drank my Diet Coke, no kicking. As I sat and snuggled with the girls and they told baby Bridget to wake up, she still didn't. I decided to take a quick bath before my appt and after getting in, she started to kick!! She likes the bath!! Big sigh of relief, after many prayers. I was worried all night about still birth, about something happening in the end. It could happen. It does happen. The hard part is, I know I say I can't handle that, but I do know I can, and I tell God, "Please not that, if it's your will, I will make it and trust You, but please not that!"
I was very thankful to have my non-stress test appt today and to have the opportunity to hear her heart and watch it for 30 minutes, knowing she is doing fine. Really, these appts are a blessing, I have 2 weeks left and 7 appts left. The appts are to make sure the baby is fine.
A few nights ago, I worried all night about the night before the c-section. I will not be able to eat or drink anything after midnight. It's the no drinking thing that I worried, literally all night about, see, I have a water bottle by my bed and every time I get up to go potty, which is every hour to 2 hours at most, I take a big drink. I know, it makes me go more, but hey, if I'm going to go anyway, might as well drink, right?
I've been worrying about the day and night before the c-section. I will be cleaning and trying to do everything I won't be able to do for weeks all in one day. I will feel sick to my stomach the whole day and night. I will be worrying about all the throwing up I will be doing during the surgery, I will be worrying about having low blood sugar and not being able to eat or drink anything, I will be worrying about whether she will have birth marks, and the list goes on and on. I will especially be worrying about having this 5th surgery in the emergency surgery room, on the main floor instead of the maternity ward surgery room, which is silly really, because it is a good thing, they will be prepared if something goes wrong....but what if something does go wrong?
All this and so much more. So much more.
I keep telling myself God is here now, He will be there when it all happens, and He knows how everything will all turn out. He knows all and in 2 weeks it will all be over. He is already there.
I am going to run to Jesus tonight for my holy hour. My holy hour keeps me grounded. He will take away this anxiety, at least for tonight.
Jesus, I trust in Thee.
Divine Mercy, the perfect prayer to pray during this "anxiety time" ! I'll be praying that!