Thursday, August 13, 2009

Anxiety Time

The last month of pregnancy is such an emotional time. (well, the whole 9 months is, but the last is the worst of it all) At a month away, I feel as if I cannot wait that long. Then as it gets closer, as it is today, 2 weeks away, there is anxiety about the anxiety. Worry about the worry. Last night I barely felt baby Bridget kick, I did feel her twice. Twice, is rare. She literally usually kicks all night long. Now, remember, these are not so much kicks as full tummy moving waves. Then this morning, when I drank my water and said my Consecration prayers, no kicking. When I checked blogs and drank my Diet Coke, no kicking. As I sat and snuggled with the girls and they told baby Bridget to wake up, she still didn't. I decided to take a quick bath before my appt and after getting in, she started to kick!! She likes the bath!! Big sigh of relief, after many prayers. I was worried all night about still birth, about something happening in the end. It could happen. It does happen. The hard part is, I know I say I can't handle that, but I do know I can, and I tell God, "Please not that, if it's your will, I will make it and trust You, but please not that!"


I was very thankful to have my non-stress test appt today and to have the opportunity to hear her heart and watch it for 30 minutes, knowing she is doing fine. Really, these appts are a blessing, I have 2 weeks left and 7 appts left. The appts are to make sure the baby is fine.


A few nights ago, I worried all night about the night before the c-section. I will not be able to eat or drink anything after midnight. It's the no drinking thing that I worried, literally all night about, see, I have a water bottle by my bed and every time I get up to go potty, which is every hour to 2 hours at most, I take a big drink. I know, it makes me go more, but hey, if I'm going to go anyway, might as well drink, right?


I've been worrying about the day and night before the c-section. I will be cleaning and trying to do everything I won't be able to do for weeks all in one day. I will feel sick to my stomach the whole day and night. I will be worrying about all the throwing up I will be doing during the surgery, I will be worrying about having low blood sugar and not being able to eat or drink anything, I will be worrying about whether she will have birth marks, and the list goes on and on. I will especially be worrying about having this 5th surgery in the emergency surgery room, on the main floor instead of the maternity ward surgery room, which is silly really, because it is a good thing, they will be prepared if something goes wrong....but what if something does go wrong?


All this and so much more. So much more.


I keep telling myself God is here now, He will be there when it all happens, and He knows how everything will all turn out. He knows all and in 2 weeks it will all be over. He is already there.


I am going to run to Jesus tonight for my holy hour. My holy hour keeps me grounded. He will take away this anxiety, at least for tonight.


Jesus, I trust in Thee.


Divine Mercy, the perfect prayer to pray during this "anxiety time" ! I'll be praying that!

18 comments:

  1. Praying for you that you are completely and totally overwhelmed with that peace that passes understanding, flooded with the confidence you know is yours and that these two weeks fly by just fast enough for you to not be weighed down to heavily with anxiety and just slow enough for you to feel that you've gotten everything done that is important.

    For the sake of His sorrowful passion,
    have mercy on us and on the whole world.

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  2. (Honestly, I do know how to spell and how to use grammar properly! Ugh!)

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  3. Jamie, you know I am right there with you on the anxiety. I promise to keep praying for you! All will be well!

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  4. Sending lots of prayers your way these last two weeks my dear!

    I know how anxiety and fear can overwhelm a persons mind, body and soul. I've been there too often. I'll keep praying for peace and contentment to fill you and your household as you eagerly wait for baby Bridget.

    Know that you have dear bloggy-mom friends who support you and would wrap our arms around you every day if we could.

    Rest and relax. {{hugs}}

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  5. Jamie, that's a lot of worries for one mom.

    The ones about c-section and blood sugar are more understandable, but why are you worried about birth marks?? 3 of my four have birth marks. My dd's was on her forehead & the most noticeable - a raised strawberry. It grew before it finally started to shrink, then it faded away before her fifth birthday. The boys' are not noticeable. With such high odds in our family, I almost expect them!

    But, this has been a different pregnancy for me, too. There have been odd worries, and sometimes they get to me, but mostly I push them out of my mind. I'll just have to deal with it in the end right?? So, why spend my days worrying about what is in God's hands ... not mine.

    I'll keep you in my prayers. No soon-to-be-delivered mommy needs so much stress.

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  6. Praying for you - I will pray the rosary for your intentions. I'll use my very special rosary. It is one that a priest who was friends with JP2 (and JP2 gave it to him) and he gave it to me. He is a Divine Mercy priest - Polish and a mystic (in my estimation). I will pray with JP2's intercession.

    Now, you hang in there and let God do what He must.
    BIG hugs and lots of love to you and all,
    Sarah

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  7. It's so hard, when something is stuck in our head to release it...especially worry.

    Padre Pio always said , "Pray, hope and don't worry" and I think he said it in that order.

    Hugs.

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  8. Thank you everyone. The reason for the post is just to I guess say what's happening now, and I think many women experience this near the end of pregnancy.

    I don't know what people do without faith.

    Suzie: I guess what I meant about birthmarks is that I already know from the level II ultrasound that all body parts, fingers, toes, organs, everything is perfect, but I do not know the skin, her hair, anything like that, and that is another silly, silly worry, a silly thought that gets away from me. *does that make sense?

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  9. Oh, I also have to say, once I blogged all my thoughts, I felt so much better. It's like without blogging sometimes, all those thoughts are all jumbled up in my head and after getting it out, things get better sometimes!

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  10. I think it is totally normal to worry. We are mothers for petes-sakes! I think God put that in our hearts and it never goes away. I worry when a friend is bringing my daughter home from a playdate and then she is late and I hear sirens......I totally think she is dead in a car accident. Like you said....we watch, read and hear so much out there and horrible stuff does happen.

    My prayers are for you tonight. I am anxiously waiting with you.

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  11. Jamie you are beautiful! Run to Jesus in your holy hour, you know everything will be fine. He loves you and with that, you have everything. God bless you with peace my friend!

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  12. Thanks for sharing your story. I am now 7 weeks pregnant and 43 yo and have had 4 miscarriages. Everytime I start to worry, I say, "Jesus, I trust in you." I really think the anxiety is the devil. But simply saying His name, he goes away.
    You are in our prayers.

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  13. I don't get over here nearly as much as I should.

    Dear girl, God bless your sweet heart. Yes, run to Him and let His love and peace flood your heart and soak your anxieties in His Sacred Blood.

    And remember His Mother, too, who loves us and mothers us so well.

    I will pray. +JMJ+

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  14. will pray for you, jaimie. anxiety and worry are such terrible demons. so glad you have the wisdome to run to the right person. and i can't think of a better prayer than Jesus, i trust in you....

    ps. that is such a beautiful holy card....

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  15. Jamie, I am so sorry you are feeling such anxiety. I hope you found some comfort in the arms of Jesus during your holy hour. Hang in there! And take care of yourself! You and Bridget are in my prayers!

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  16. I worried toward the last month about Tommy not moving too. I never noticed a baby holding STILL, so when they don't move 24/7, I get freaked. Praying for you in these weeks. You're going to be like a deflated balloon when you are done and that diet coke all runs out of you ;)
    P.S. I think checking on preggo friend's blogs makes one more likely to get all knocked up too. I musta caught the pregs from you.
    Number 7 due sometime in April/May!

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  17. Please don't worry about your 5th c-section! I have had 5 myself plus 2 other abdomal surgeries. So basically I am full of scar tissue!:) It may take them longer to stich you back up if you have a lot of scar tissue like I did, but after that it's all good! Just enjoy the rest of your pregnancy because we never know if God will let us do it again! By the way my 5th c-section was my best! I think the more you have you become an ole' pro! Good luck and you are in my prayers! God bless you!

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